OUR court tales from the autobiography of Glasgow Sheriff Irvine Smith remind a lawyer of another sheriff who was asked by a nervous jury member if he could be excused duty as his wife "was about to conceive".
The sheriff was momentarily taken aback until he replied: “I believe you mean ‘deliver’. But either way, you should be there.”
A STUDENT in Ayrshire admits that his pals are not very worldly. When he got home from an Italian holiday which included a few days in Rome, he announced he had seen the Spanish Steps.
“Is that a tribute band?” his pal asked.
HEARTS physio Alan Rae tells in his just-published autobiography Hands On Hearts, that stocky midfielder Phil Stamp was walking his dog very early in the morning at Cramond. It leapt in the sea but was being pulled out by the strong tide. Phil jumped in and swam out to save him.
Recalls Alan: “Soaked through, he staggered back to the main road to hail a taxi.
“One eventually stopped, offering salvation until the cabbie recognised who he was. ‘You’re Phil Stamp. You scored against the Hibs...you can walk!’”
Hooked on drink?
WE asked for your drinking and fishing stories, and Colin Campbell in East Kilbride says: “My daughter, while on holiday in the far north west, spotted a T shirt with the legend ‘Lochinver -- a little drinking village with a serious fishing problem’.”
A CUSTOMER at Glasgow Royal Concert Hall was ejected this week for starting a rammy at the show of Chicago rock band Wilco which interrupted singer Jeff Tweedy delivering the song Rising Red Lung. Mike Ritchie in the audience heard another concert-goer watching the altercation remark: “They should rename it Rising Red Mist.”
A BAFFLED Bridge of Weir reader tells us of a letter from the driving licence folk at the DVLA which states, without a sign of a tongue in cheek: “If you have received this acknowledgment letter you do not need to contact us as this confirms we have updated our records.
“If you have not received it, phone us....”
THE big news for music fans of a certain age is that Cream bassist Jack Bruce is appearing at Celtic Connections in Glasgow in January. It reminds us of the story about Radio 1 DJ John Peel and his producer John Walters being slipped four little pink pills by Bruce when they told him they were going to see him play.
Walters threw them away and years later told Bruce that he and Peel were not big enthusiasts for drugs.
“Drugs?” says Bruce. “They were earplugs.”
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