STUART Craig's just published book about Clyde ferries, Around The Clyde (And Other Places) in 20 Years, tells of the two young lads put aboard a ship in Glasgow by their dad for a day cruise, and one of the lads seeking out the purser and asking: "Mister, can you tell us when we get to Rothesay please."

After berthing at Rothesay, the ship casts off and minutes later the purser remembers about the boys and gets the skipper to turn the ship back to the pier so that the boys can get off. When it ties up again the purser seeks out the lads and tells them: "That's you lads, we're at Rothesay, off you get."

"Oh no," says one of the boys, "we're no getting aff. Our faither telt us not to eat our sandwiches until we got to Rothesay."

THAT great shop Crocket the Ironmongers in Glasgow's city centre is now closed and empty. However the owners have left some farewell messages in the window from customers and staff. We note the honesty of a Mark Wilson who wrote: "Aww whit? This was one of he easiest places to nick from in the toon." Or Karen McCamley who reminisced: "I love that shop. I was introduced to it on my first week at work. Got sent for a left-handed screwdriver. Ha ha."

We hope of course that the outgoing staff have all got fixed up. We like the confidence of one manager who wrote: "All rotas done. Any queries contact MaryKennedy@Barbados.com."

A READER dining in a new Glasgow restaurant liked the style of the waiter who was asked by a diner at the next table: "What would you recommend?" The waiter replied: "Anything over £15."

WE like the lad from Glasgow who posted a picture of a bag of biscuits with an old sell-by date on Twitter and stated: "Tesco selling something nearly two weeks out of date. Not cool." Someone from Tesco who monitors such things replied: "I'm really sorry about that. Can you tell me which store this was in please?"

But the young chap gave a very Glasgow reply: "Am no a grass."

A FEW folk quite exercised yesterday about television presenter Jeremy Clarkson not having his BBC contract renewed after he hit a producer in an altercation. The smug journalist and presenter Piers Morgan joked: "If he'd stuck to just punching me, he'd be fine." At that Scots author Irvine Welsh spoke for many when he replied to Piers: "If he'd stuck to just punching you, we'd all have been fine."

A GLASGOW woman is heard telling a pal the truth that many folk will agree with: "If my thirty-something self could have seen my forty-something self going to bed shortly after 9pm last night, she would have never believed it."

SOME youngster named Zayn Malik is threatening to quit the boy band One Direction, which is causing much grief amongst young girls. Writer David Schneider was perhaps not taking the news too seriously when he asked: "Does that mean they will now be called 0.8 Direction?"

AFTER a trip to the dentist, Alison Campbell tells us: "A jolly lady was trying to make an appointment on someone else's behalf, but the receptionist asked how she knew what time would suit the patient. "It's telepathic Tuesday!" the jolly lady replied. But the receptionist responded with: "It's Wednesday."