WE know there is some female logic in here as Michele Catalano tells us: "Bought a new t-shirt to wear to the gym. Just got chocolate ice cream all over it. Now I can't go to the gym. But I can eat more ice cream."

SAD news that the only shop on the Hebridean island of Canna has been broken into - the small island's first reported crime in 50 years. As barrister Andrew Keogh commented: "It could be worse - you could be the duty solicitor on the island."

THE news that property tycoon and golf course owner Donald Trump is seeking to become president of the United States reminds us of when Real Radio presenter Robin Galloway, in one of his radio wind-ups, pretended to be an estate agent and was put through to Donald in his New York office. What we liked was Robin's reaction afterwards when he said: "There is no doubt Donald is my greatest scalp - how ironic given that hair of his."

FORMER Dr Who actress Karen Gillan has flown to Scotland from America to be an Edinburgh Film Festival judge, and she shared her excitement on social media by chirping: "First thing I'm doing is buying a pile of chips with chippy sauce. Edinburgh folk: you know what I'm talking about." As we are divided from our American cousins by a common language, someone had to ask her: "Serious question from all the Americans. What's chippy sauce please?"

So we like the po-faced explanation from an Edinburgh news agency: "For years, takeaways in the capital have asked customers, 'Salt and sauce?' when selling chips, and served up food smothered in the runny brown sauce, which is diluted with water or vinegar. The sauce is widely available in Edinburgh and Fife but is almost unheard-of elsewhere."

So now you know.

ALSO travelling to Scotland, but a tad grumpier, was comedian Ross Noble who is appearing in the very funny The Producers at Glasgow's Theatre Royal. About to fly north, he argued: "We need two lanes at airport security. One for holidaymakers, and one for those of us who have been to an airport and can follow basic instructions."

His airport rage then exploded with: "I swear to God the person having their photo taken outside the airport's WH Smith branch deserves to be stabbed in the neck with a big Toblerone."

We've all been there Ross.

TRAVELLING in the opposite direction was the couple Ben Verth heard in an Edinburgh bar explaining they were going to London for the weekend and a friend replying: "Mind and take a photo of the Pearly Gates for me!" The bemused couple asked their pal if he thought they were going to die, and after much confusion he explained: "I didn't know the Heaven thing. I thought Pearly Gates was an area of London and that's where you got all the Pearly Kings and Queens." Much laughter swept the bar.

A READER catching a bus into town hears a young woman explain to her pal: "Not wearing headphones this past week has really woken me up. I've overheard two break-ups on public transport."

ARMIES of customer service staff are in place to help travellers with the replacement buses on the Glasgow to Edinburgh train services due to a tunnel closure. Allen Armstrong in Fife tells us: "In the local pub here in Leven, where there's a campaign to reinstate rail services, a news item on the disruption was met with the remark: "These lucky sods still complain of a wee bit of delay, or trains too crowded or dirty. We've had to rely on replacement bus services to Levenmouth for the past 46 years."