heady heady

BUDGET yesterday, and so many articles and diagrams to read over to work out whether you are better off with all the changes. An old socialist chum phones to sort it out. "It's quite simple," he says. "Look at your watch. If it cost more than three thousand then you'll do all right out the Budget."

And whether the Budget is good or bad, some folk still can't take to the Chancellor, George Osborne. As Rhys James put it: "When George Osborne talks, it feels like he's just trying to distract me while his mate crouches behind me so he can push me over."

THE Citizens Theatre is putting on a version of Alasdair Gray's formidable tome Lanark at the Edinburgh Festival. We hear of one English teacher in Lanarkshire greeting the news with enthusiasm. "Oh good," the teacher tells us, 'does that mean I don't have to read the book?"

GOODNESS how cynical. We hear a chap in a Glasgow bar discussing marriage and telling a single chum: "Pretend you're married by simply feeling guilty about anything you enjoy doing."

SCOTS writer Sanjeev Kohli was dumbfounded when he put a joke on Twitter about all the kids dressing up as characters on World Book Day. He wanted to save all the hassle and cleverly tweeted: "Can't be bothered dressing up my kids for World Book Day next year. Can any writers out there put them in their next book?"

Comedian David Walliams who is now one of Britain's most successful children's authors replied simply: "No problem. Just let me know their names."

THAT oh so trendy food store Whole Foods which has a branch at Giffnock on the south side has its store name lit up in green neon at night, but has seen the tubes go out on its first two letters, leaving it as Ole Foods. Reader Jack Kanopate swears to us that he heard someone walking past wonder if it was a Spanish food shop.

TALKING of the south side, local MP and Scottish Labour Party leader Jim Murphy already has his canvassers out in his Eastwood constituency asking people how they are going to vote. Seems it's a lot more complicated than it used to be. A reader hears a young canvasser return from a doorstep conversation and tell his colleague who was writing the information down: "Do we have an abbreviation for a Tory voter who is voting for Jim in order to keep the SNP out?"

RINGO Starr is to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month by his old band colleague Sir Paul McCartney. It will make up for the time that John Lennon was once asked in an interview if Ringo was the best drummer in the world. "He's not even the best drummer in the group," said a laconic John.

But to be fair to Ringo, we recall reading in Ken McNab's excellent book The Beatles in Scotland that a certain Beatles album was going to be called Everest, and it was suggested that the band be taken there for a photo-shoot. Instead, a fed-up Ringo simply suggested: "Why don't we just go outside, call it Abbey Road, and be done with it."

RUSSIAN president Vladimir Putin's recent two-week disappearance from public eye was being discussed the other day at an Ayrshire golf club. "He had flu," said one of the golfers propping up the bar. He then added: "It's what you get when you start up all those Cold Wars again."

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Worst Abbey Road tribute ever, says Rich Neville, watching the Chancellor's team leave Downing Street..