The Diary: Opening line

Ken Smith

Diary Editor

Thursday 10 November 2011

ALLAN Morrison in King's Park sends us a Theresa May joke.

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“Knock, knock.”

“Come in.”

Flight of fancy

AND a puzzled reader trying to follow the Theresa May story asks: “A lot is being made of this Home Office pilot scheme.

“Shouldn’t they have been checking the passengers as well?” Guaranteed price hikeA BUSINESS contact phones us about the failing electrical retailer Comet being sold. “OpCapita bought Comet for just £2” he pointed out.“However they were conned into buying a £50m extended warranty to go with it.” Cheque mateOUR colleague Robert McNeill reminiscing about cashing cheques reminds Duncan Smith in Lanarkshire of a friend going into a bank to write himself a cheque for £15. After several aborted attempts to spell fifteen when he tried fifthteen and fiveteen, he gave up -- and wrote a cheque for £16 instead. Advance warningAND that reminds us here of the fabled Press Bar in Glasgow when the kindly mine hosts would allow impoverished journalists to cash cheques, made out to then owner Tom McEntee, which they didn’t bank until pay day.One former colleague on the Evening Times was called in by his bank manager who asked, after seeing the name crop us so often: “Is this Mr McEntee blackmailing you?”Further cheque tales appreciated. Terminal declineBRITISH Pakistani comedian, Humza Arshad, who is appearing at Glasgow’s Kabana Restaurant later this month, will not easily forget his last gig in the city.He tells us: “We were late for our flight and ran in the rain to the airport. Finally got there and I was panicking because we couldn’t find the gate.“That’s when we found out Glasgow has two airports.” Dead lossWE asked for your budgie stories, and a Hamilton reader confesses that more than ten years ago he looked after his sister’s budgie when she was on holiday.He had just seen the film Sixth Sense, and spent the fortnight his sister was away trying to teach the budgie the famous line from the film “I see dead people” to the budgie, judging it would really spook his sibling if the pet ever uttered the line. Double troubleREADER Robin Irvine tells us: “I don’t usually consider shoe boxes to represent great literature and read little else but the size and style, but my eye was caught by this statement on a box of Puma trainers -- ‘Average contents 2’. Does this mean there is a mathematical chance of getting one, three, or even four shoes in your box?”

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The Diary: Opening line

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