A CHAP in a Glasgow pub was discussing the new mobile phone that his wife had taken delivery of, and how she was much taken with all the things she could do with it. He added: "I phoned to say I was on the way home from the pub the other night. When I got in she said, 'Where have you been? Google Maps says it should take you fifteen minutes but you've been over twenty.' What's the world coming to?"

AH the great Glasgow diet. Writer Peter Geoghegan swears that he heard a young lad about eight years old on Buchanan Street begging his mum to take him to the Japanese-style fish restaurant Yo Sushi but his mum replied: "No, let's get you a juicy Burger King."

THE GLASTONBURY Music Festival has just finished, although rock fans tell us that the AC/DC concert at Hampden was by far the best thing to go to at the weekend. Anyway down at Glastonbury Tim Burgess of The Charlatans was commenting: "Just overheard a server at a food van ask a customer, 'Would you like a large or a medium?' Said the customer, 'What's the difference?' He replied, 'The large is bigger.' 'Yeah, go on then'."

WE love the word apocryphal as The Diary as it helps us avoid checking whether a story is 100% genuine. So we pass on the apocryphal story that a customer at the trendy Whole Foods store told the checkout person: "I need to read the numbers on the barcode out loud to you. I don't want any lasers touching my food."

STRANGE Glasgow conversations continued. Jeanette Swan was driving to Knightswood in Glasgow from Inverness, but when she arrived in the city was not sure where to go next. She stopped her car at a bus stop where she asked two wifies how to get to Knightswood. One of the old dears told her which number of bus to get and where to get off in order to change to the Knightswood bus. Says Jeanette: "When she finished talking we smiled, said thank you, and drove off."

WE mentioned house names, and a reader recalled visiting relatives in South Australia where he noticed a house with the name "Sootz Me". Carrying on walking he then saw that the house next door was called "Sootz Me 2".

STILL waiting for the hot summer weather here in Glasgow. A young woman was heard wailing at her pals: "I'm still wearing my Ugg boots and it's July this week!".

A PIECE of whimsy as a reader phones to tell us: "There are more pinatas in Mexico than you can shake a stick at."

SO have you seen the news Clangers television series that has been remade for today's youngsters. Says one reader: "I saw the new Clangers for the first time yesterday. It's scary how none of the actors have aged at all in all these years."

A COLLEAGUE feels the need to come over and interrupt us with: "If all the chips eaten by people in Glasgow on a Saturday night were put in a huge pile they would reach... out and grab them back."