A READER gets in touch to say he was disappointed that Scottish Water boss Peter Farrer, interviewed on Radio Scotland about smelly water in Lanarkshire, simply said that the company was advising people in the affected area not to use tap water until further notice. "He missed a great opportunity," says our reader, "to say 'Taps aff!' which would at least have raised a smile."

IT'S the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo when the Duke of Wellington, with a bit of help admittedly, defeated Napoleon. Only a Glasgow reader could phone The Diary and ask: "So how did he manage it with that giant cone on his head?"

A READER who took part in the Women's Mini Marathon in Dublin earlier this month - a rather grand title for a 10k race it has to be said - had to put her feminist principles to one side and smile at the giant banner which was displayed over the starting line. It read: "Run Like You've Left the Immersion On".

"SORRY I'm late," said the chap in the Glasgow bar to his pals the other night. "I was helping the wife look for her favourite vase which I accidentally broke six months ago and put in the bin."

THE entertainment news for folk who care about these sort of things is that radio presenter Chris Evans is taking over from Jeremy Clarkson as main presenter on BBC car show Top Gear. As a reader e-mails us: "Chris Evans is the perfect Top Gear host. He can go from 0 to Very Irritating in just three seconds."

Actually, we always liked the story about Chris being driven out to Cameron House after a Rangers game in Glasgow by then player Paul Gascoigne. Paul stopped at a garage for fuel, and when Chris was in the shop, he drove off and left him. Chris went into the attached car showroom and bought their cheapest second-hand car on the spot and drove after him. But what we really liked was that after staying at the hotel Chris gave the car to a barman who otherwise had a lengthy bus journey to get to work.

ACTOR Greg McHugh is bringing his BBC Scotland comedy show Gary Tank Commander to the Hydro in Glasgow for a three-night run. The show is about a group of Edinburgh lads who served in the Middle East with the British Army. We liked Greg, being asked to describe the show yesterday at a publicity launch, replying: "Like the Tattoo - only mair interesting."

SO are you used to all the different forms of social media? A reader tells us he heard a young woman on the train into town tell her pals: "I swear if I got arrested I'd ask the police for one tweet instead of a phone call - because you lot never answer your bloody phones."

A COLLEAGUE stops by our desk to interrupt us with: "My mate was in court and the Sheriff said to him, 'Have you ever been up before me?' So my mate replied, ' I don't know - depends what time you get up'."

KNOCK knock.

Who's there?

Not Mo Farah.