GLASGOW'S Pavilion Theatre is next month putting on Des Dillon's comedy about Old Firm fans "Billy and Tim and the Holy Ghost". Unfortunately its posters were attacked by a persistent graffiti artist with a felt-tipped pen who changed the name to "Billy and Tim and the Wee Glesga Ghost." The posters were replaced but again they were defaced.

Then Pavilion boss Iain Gordon had an idea. "We suddenly realised that Wee Glesga Ghost was a funnier title so we decided to change the name of the show permanently to Billy and Tim and the Wee Glesga Ghost. So the pen guy did us all a favour."

Any other show that would benefit from a title change?

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt our work by musing about a popular holiday company: "The thing that amazes me about Barrhead Travel is how they realised so many people wanted to go to Barrhead."

GREAT weather for the golf just now. Says James Haddock: "With all the recent sunshine the views from Greenock Golf Course have been truly breathtaking prompting a member of our Friday four-ball, who is an avid TV and film buff, to be overcome with emotion and utter, 'It's just like 3D!'"

GOODNESS, with all this election nonsense we almost forgot that Will and Kate are about to have a child any day soon. Irish bookies Paddy Power are naturally running a book on the child's name with Alice, Elizabeth and Charlotte the favourites. But perhaps with one eye on the election after all, Caledonia is a 500/1 outsider.

THE word perfused. Means lots of blood flowing through. Medical term, but one that can defeat phone spell-checkers. Which explains why David Sinclair in Portsmouth received a message from his mother's surgeon in Scotland after a foot operation which explained: "The angiographic result was superb and her left foot was warm and well perfumed."

David never realised the advances that had been brought in to the NHS in Scotland, and feels he ought to write and thank Nicola Sturgeon.

A HERALD article on inaccuracies about Glasgow in works of fiction prompts Peter Lynch: "I got a book from the library by a Glasgow-born author who spent many years in America. A Glasgow detective was called to a body near Central Station at two in the morning who was disturbed by the rattle of a goods train. My first thought was, 'Goods trains do not run from Central Station' and my second was, 'Neither does anything else at 2 am'. I closed the book and returned it to the library."

Way too much knowledge there Peter.

UPDATING the verse about St Mungo in Glasgow - "The cone that can't be licked," suggests Carl Williamson in Largs, showing his knowledge of city statuary.

CHEMIST shops continued. Says John Macdonald: "I asked my wife to drop my prescription off at the local chemist, for me to pick up on my way home. I was served by a rather large young lady who said she couldn't find a prescription in my name. I called my wife, and handed the phone to the assistant. Ten seconds later, the phone was handed back to me with a look that could kill. The prescription was found, and the medication handed over without explanation or apology.

"When I got home I asked my wife what she had said to upset the assistant. 'Nothing' she said, 'She asked me to describe the person who had served me and I told her it was a young woman, extremely fat'.''

Oops.