FILM legend Al Pacino was in Glasgow the other night taking questions from the audience about his career. After one Glasgow woman shouted out a question at him in a very local accent, a puzzled Al replied: "Like many women in my life, I love you, but I don't understand you."

WE asked for linguistic misunderstandings, and John Cameron in Troon recalls: "English teacher John Thomson at Cranhill Secondary told our class that as a wee boy he had gone to Skye on holiday with his parents. Arriving at a garage there, before self-service pumps, they could find no attendant. A man in his garden opposite shouted over, 'Toot on yer horn'. To which John's father responded, 'I'm sorry, but I don't have the Gaelic'."

MINIONS are the little blue and yellow starey-eyed creatures from the Despicable Me films which will have their own film released soon. A woman meeting friends in a West End coffee shop yesterday produced a Minion which she had knitted for a young niece. As her friends told her how cute it was, she revealed: "That was my second attempt. The first one had wonky eyes and looked like Jim Murphy - so I binned it."

OUR tales of teachers converting gowns into offensive weapons remind Gerry MacKenzie: "In my early days in the police in Drumchapel, some 40 years ago, we had an inspector who had a great wheeze. Inspector's brown gloves were an essential part of uniform and were to be carried if not worn. This Inspector carried his gloves with a marble in each finger. When engaging a crowd of unruly kids he would administer a flick of his gloves around their ears with a 'come on lads, move on!' As they reeled and squealed in pain, the inspector would innocently shrug at onlookers and stroll away."

IT was swearing in at Westminster, and the SNP's John Nicolson found himself behind Tory grandee Ken Clarke in the queue who shook his hand and said he thought they had met before. John explained that he had been a BBC journalist and had interviewed him. "Whose side are you on?" continued Ken. "I'm SNP," said John.

Ken thought about this before adding: "I'm going to get that reply from an awful lot of people."

OH and that spat between the SNP and Labour veteran Dennis Skinner on who should sit in his usual seat has caught the eye of bookies Betway. As their spokesman said: "What started as an admirable desire to put their stamp on proceedings, the childish seat-taking is beginning to resemble the morning mad dash for sun loungers at a holiday resort." But not passing up a chance to make money, Betway are offering odds on whether Dennis can keep his seat for next week's State Opening of Parliament. Dennis is favourite at 2/1 on, with the SNP grabbing it at 6/4.

NOT having a good week. Apologies to sports writer Matt Vallance whom I called Matt McGinn yesterday - I'd been writing about folk-singer Matt earlier in week and he must have stuck in my head. Anyway, it reminds me of when Matt was flying to New York to sing at Carnegie Hall, and was worried about his membership of the Communist Party perhaps stopping him from being admitted. Nervously approaching the immigration desk, clutching a bottle of whisky he was taking as a present to a relative, he reached the uniformed official who remarked: "Looks like a good bottle of Scotch you got there."

"Would you like some?" blurted out Matt, and without a word the official brought out a cup from behind his desk, which Matt filled while the chap stamped his passport.

A COLLEAGUE wanders over and feels the need to interrupt us with: "Just been voted world's worst owl impersonator."

We vaguely nod at him, and he adds: "I couldn't give two hoots."