OH no! Crocket's the ironmongers in Glasgow is to close. "Where can you now shop for plastic basins, Japanese kitchen knives, huntin' and fishin' jackets, obscure lighting and fancy keys - and where will the staff in John Lewis send you to get your watch fixed?" asks Foster Evans.

We always liked their inspired window advertising - like the time the put a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey alongside ropes, masking tape and riding crops. When Nelson Mandela arrived for his Freedom of the City ceremony, Crocket's put up a sign stating: "Mr Mandela - get your spare keys to the city cut here."

WE mentioned the sad passing of towering legal presence Joe Beltrami, but he is perhaps not as well known to a younger generation. Irvine Herald journalist John Woods was covering the local district court when the fiscal explained that after the accused was taken to his cell he had uttered the immortal words: "Get me Beltrami." The young girl covering the court for a rival newspaper passed a note to John asking: "Who's Bill Trammy?"

A READER dusts off an old book of courtroom stories which contained a foreword by Joe Beltrami and Donald Finlay QC. They told the tale of an accused who was asked by the sheriff if he had a lawyer. ''I don't want a lawyer,'' he replied. ''I want to tell the truth.''

WE liked Laidlaw author William McIlvanney explaining at the Glasgow Film Theatre the difference between Glasgow and Edinburgh. In Glasgow, he said, he got one of his few negative reviews when "a big guy walking down the other side of the road shouted 'McIlvanney, who told you you could effin' write?' And I shouted back, 'Probably the same person who told you you could effin' read' And I hastened on, because he was a large fellow."

In an Edinburgh pub however, a fellow customer stared at him and then, as he left, handed over a folded note on which was written: "Thank you for the books" and disappeared without a word.

EXCITEMENT at the Cricket World Cup as Ireland beat the UAE with only four balls remaining. As Glasgow comic Frankie Boyle remarked: "Ireland have a cricket team now? This is like Cool Runnings", a reference of course to the film about the Jamaican bobsleigh team.

A TEACHER tells us that he got a phone call from an angry mother who said that her son had arrived home from gym the previous day without his towel, and she expressed her anger that someone else may have taken it, and that "no one respects other people's property these days."

He asked her to describe it and she said it was a striped towel with "Disneyland Hotel" written on it.

GRAVEL-VOICED stand-up and Labour supporter Arthur Smith is taking great delight in the babblings of disgraced MP Malcolm Rifkind claiming he didn't earn enough as an MP. Arthur announced yesterday: "I am looking to put on a benefit for Malcolm Rifkind - any other comedians want to sign up for it?"

HOW many readers can identify with Ian Power who says: "My mum just phoned. 'I can't speak for long!' she says, and then talks for 20 minutes before ending tersely with, 'I've got to go!' This happens a lot."