DAVID Donaldson sees an advertisement on the Glasgow Subway for Los Angeles which states: "Visit a place where your accent is an aphrodisiac" and he muses: "I feel they are overstating their case somewhat.

In my experience in the USA, 'incomprehensible' is closer to the mark.

"The last time we were in Vermont, my wife picked up a pair of ski gloves and asked a male shop assistant, 'Where do I pay?' and he replied without hesitation, 'The ladies' restrooms are over there, ma'am'."

IT works both ways of course. American musician Chad Matheny, appearing with his Emperor X music project in Glasgow last night, told his fans: "I'm in Glasgow. This must be how cats feel when they hear humans speak. The guy in the cafe asked me if my coffee was 'feh sittin ah feh goin' I think..?"

Any other linguistical misunderstandings?

WE like the honesty of a chap opening a sandwich shop in Clarkston, advertising for staff, who states in the advertisement: "If your idea of a good sandwich is a tuna mayo like your gran makes then please don't bother responding. Seriously. Last time I was hiring I got over 400 CVs. You know how long it takes to read 400 CVs? Too damned long. So don't waste anyone's time. I need a second-in-command to bang out a ton of semi-fancy food in a kitchen the size of a closet, and you also have to put up with my wife because I do, and she's the real boss."

NEIGHBOURS, and whether you know them, was being discussed in a Glasgow pub the other night, with one chap declaring: "Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbours, just so they don't describe me to the police as 'Quiet and keeps to himself' if anything went wrong."

GREG Hands, the Tory minister who took over from former Scottish Lib Dem MP Danny Alexander - remember him? - in the Treasury, yesterday remarked on social media: "Good news for me as Danny Alexander left £6.35 on his Treasury canteen card. Before anybody criticises, remember what Liam Byrne left us..."

Inevitably someone commented: "Wow that is pretty Tory - delight at being able to use someone else's money for themselves and no one else."

OUR mention of the teacher with a knot in his gown's sleeve which he used to discipline pupils, reminds Cora Adcock: "Whilst the Bachelor's gown had open sleeves, the Master's gown had sleeves that ended in a long, deep hook-shaped pocket, almost mediaeval in design. One teacher I experienced in the past kep a half-crown at the bottom of the sleeve, and few things were more painful than a half-crown stotted off the top of your napper if your misdemeanour caught miss's eye as she walked between the desks."

FREELANCE sports writer Matt McGinn in Ayrshire received his accreditation for the Rugby World Cup taking place in England this autumn and noticed at the bottom it stated: "Please note that it is your responsibility to ensure that you have made the necessary visa arrangements." Matt wondered if the rugby authorities had overreacted to the number of SNP MPs returned the other day.