DONALD Grant was on a bus from Glasgow to Paisley when a mature lady laden with bags boarded in the city centre. Says Donald: "The driver took off before she could get to an empty seat, and as she came up the bus, shoulders bouncing off alternate handrails, she said to no one in particular, 'Years o' country dancin' - years o' country dancin'."

A READER thought the drinker in a Glasgow pub the other night was a tad cruel when he announced that no one liked his boss. To drive the point home he added: "In fact he's got so few friends he deliberately took out PPI just so that someone would phone him at home."

THE House of Commons defence committee reported this week that it made no sense to spend the money on bringing the aircraft carrier The Prince of Wales being built at Rosyth into service alongside its sister ship The Queen Elizabeth. A reader phones to explain: "That's why it was named The Prince of Wales - so that it could sit there doing nothing while The Queen Elizabeth does all the work."

SWEET story from fiddle player Aidan O'Rourke in Edinburgh who explained: "Six months ago my neighbour gave me a box of 250 1960s soul and r&b 45s which he found by the recycling bins. I asked various DJs, musicians and collectors if they knew anyone who had lost their collection. I contacted the police. Nothing came back.

"Last night I was walking home from The Unthanks gig, and got chatting to a guy who told me six months ago walking home from DJing in a pub (drunk) he lost his lifelong soul and R&B collection - 250 records which he had spent thousands on over 30 years. I told him that I had them in my flat. He cried."

A nice story from Edinburgh - it can happen.

STEPHEN Houston in Dubai was reading an article in a local English language newspaper which had an article on The Sound of Music celebrating its 50th anniversary. Stephen admires the work of the paper's sub-editor who put the article on page 16 and then ran it on to the following page with printed at the bottom "16 going on (to) 17". A real fan of the film obviously.

A READER using the loo in a Glasgow department store was washing his hands when a little lad accompanied by his dad was using the sink beside him. The youngster turned round and said to his father: "Dad. Why don't we have hand driers at home?" After a pause, his dad said: "Do you know, I don't actually know the answer to that."

OUR story of advice to school pupils before exams reminds Alex Gordon: "We were given exam advice by our history teacher, Mr Hunter, at Park Main High, in Erskine, in 1980. The list had all the usual stuff about past papers, revision planning and so on but finished with, 'Finally, remember that a bit of hard work never harmed anyone.' He then added after thinking about it, 'Except Pitt the Younger who died of it'."

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "I just pray that if I am every taken in for questioning it's not Trigonometry."