THE manager of a pizza fast food shop on the south side of Glasgow swears to us that a customer phoned to complain that the pizza just delivered to him had no toppings on it.

Our puzzled manager was giving the chap an apology when the customer, who possibly might have had a drink or two, interrupted with: "Naw it's awright - ah just opened the box upside doon."

JOURNALIST Alan Douglas points out: "I just noticed that the Chartered institute of Housing conference being held in Glasgow this week had the theme of affordability. The cost of attending the conference as a delegate? £599."

ALASTAIR Breckenridge in Troon reads in The Herald that a high-powered bow had been stolen in Kirkcaldy, with a police officer warning that it had "amour piercing capability", and Alastair wonders if the bow belonged to Cupid.

GOSH, it's getting a bit rough in the General Election campaign already. Steve Letford explains it to us: "I get it now. The London media wanted Scotland to stay in UK last year - so that they could tell us to beat it this year."

THE bookies took an absolute thrashing on the first day of the Cheltenham Festival yesterday when trainer Willie Mullins returned three winners all ridden by the great Ruby Walsh. As an excited punter told us: If Willie Mullins entered a horse ridden by Ruby Walsh to race in the Australian Grand Prix I'd back it right now."

But don't feel too sorry for the bookies - they still got another three days to claw their money back.

OUR story wondering why it was ok to have a squirming baby on your lap on a plane during take-off but not a similarly sized backpack, attracts the comment from reader Bruce Skivington: "Try putting the baby in the overhead locker and watch the reaction."

THE tale of the American tourist crossing the Forth reminds Eddie Orme in West Calder: "We had a visit from an American uncle, who took dad to St Andrews for the Open. Allegedly, whilst crossing the Forth, said uncle made a disparaging remark about the size of the river, comparing it to a 'puddle back home.' My dad claimed to have replied, 'Well if ye can suck like ye can blaw, ye can take that thing home with ye!'

"It's almost certainly an apocryphal tale made up after the event, but, I like to imagine it was as spontaneous, as dad reported it - many times!"

DON'T forget it's Mother's Day this Sunday. The shopping website Firebox wants to liven the day up by listing the song you might have been conceived to. Basically you type in your date of birth and it tells you what was number one in the charts nine months earlier. So our commiserations if your date comes up with "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go", "I Can Get No Satisfaction" or even "Donald Where's Yer Troosers?'

A COLLEAGUE wanders over and feels the need to interrupt us with: "The missus has been been reading the definitions of all the words beginning with 'S' in the dictionary. I think she's up to something."