IT was the first Prime Minister's Questions session in the House of Commons to be witnessed by the new group of SNP MPs. We don't think East Dunbartonshire MP John Nicolson was impressed. He observed: "Worried about one of the Tory front benchers. She's been nodding for 30 minutes in a wholly unnatural way. Her neck must be aching."

John added: "I promise, when I agree with colleagues, never to nod like a toy dug on the back shelf of a car. Who, outside the Commons, does this?"

DOUGIE McKerrell drove a bin lorry in London many years ago where a fellow driver named Henry was nicknamed Henry the Eighth. At first Dougie thought the chap's surname was King, but this wasn't the case. Says Dougie: "One day while on a break I asked him about the nickname. He said, 'Do you promise not to laugh?' 'Of course', I replied.

"He said the real reason he got the name was that he failed his HGV lorry driving test seven times and past it on the eighth attempt."

AND Kate Woods passes on: "Years ago a female friend of mine failed her driving test in Glasgow, and was very aggrieved about. She explained that she was driving on Great Western Road, and as they approached the roundabout to Drumchapel he told her to turn right, and as she put it, 'He didn't tell me to go round the roundabout'. Apparently he was quite upset, and used language that would get him sacked nowadays."

Any more driving test stories?

TORY MSP Murdo Fraser couldn't resist it as the election of a new Labour leader in Scotland continues at a slow pace. "Shock last minute entry to Scottish Labour leadership race from candidate with track record of winning elections - Sepp Blater," joked Murdo.

Incidentally we like the fact that the bookies have made Sir Alex Ferguson a 250/1 outsider to take over as Fifa President. We think the odds of 500/1 on Russian president Vladimir Putin getting the job are a bit more fanciful. Bookies Betway are not taking any risks however. Sepp Blatter himself is a respectable 5/1 to rescind his resignation a la Nigel Farage.

TRICKY one that Andy Coulson court case collapsing where he was not found guilty of perjury, which is in fact slightly different from claiming he was found not guilty of lying in court. Lawyer Mark Lewis sums it up for us: "The new oath to be taken in court will be, ' I swear to tell the truth, whole truth, and nothing like the truth if not relevant to the charge."

A SOUTH side reader bumps into his knackered neighbour returning from a run who tells him: "I've been jogging for years - but I still manage to look as though it's the first time I've tried it."

SCOTTISH publisher Luath has just published Bruce, Meg and Me by Gregor Ewing in which Gregor walks 1000 miles around Scotland in the footsteps of Robert the Bruce accompanied by his brown and white border collie Meg. The lovely Meg even has her own small saddle bags while on the journey. She is also the double of Matisse, the dog which won Britain's Got Talent at the weekend, and while walking Meg in his hometown of Falkirk he is now frequently asked if that is Matisse with him. Gregor is now pondering the fickleness of fame that even though he researched and walked a 1000 mile trip and wrote a book about it, it's only his dog who gets mobbed on the streets.

BIT of a storm over MPs being awarded a seven grand a year pay rise, only days of being elected. One Tory Minister said she would give more to charity with the rise. A cynical reader tells us: "So that's an extra 50p in the charity collecting tin. wonder what she'll do with the other £6999.50?"

IAIN Mann ponders: "A radio advert currently running on Classic FM tells us that 'A driver is stopped every two minutes in Scotland and breathalysed by police'. I can't help wondering what the poor chap did to deserve such treatment, and whether he will ever reach his destination."