CONGRATULATIONS to Inverness for winning the Scottish Cup. You can feel for their fan Steve Houston who, a trifle anxiously, put on social media at quarter to three in the morning after the game: "So if I do go to sleep now, we're still Scottish Cup winners when I wake up, right?"

Caley Thistle's own social media site knew what he was going through as the following morning it stated: "It's great to wake up knowing that the reality is so much better than the dream."

THE right-wing media were getting their Y-fronts in a twist about the new SNP MPs clapping in the House of Commons - oh the horror of it. A reader in Broughty Ferry tells us: "On Friday night at the SNP celebration for Stewart Hosie's re-election in Dundee East, applause for Stewart was rudely interrupted by shouts of 'No clapping! No clapping!' from fellow Dundee SNP MP Chris Law."

A TOPER in a Glasgow pub was heard telling his drinking companions at the weekend: "I swear if my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise birthday party."

PUB quizzes continued. Alexander Gordon tells us: "The quizmaster at the Munro's quiz in the West End of Glasgow was collecting answer sheets and met a team who had given up. The following conversation happened. 'When's the next quiz?' 'Next Thursday, we are here every Thursday.' 'What time is the quiz?' 'We start at 8.30'. 'And is it the same questions every week?'"

JAMES Martin sees the newspaper headline "UK banks investigating Fifa corruption" and wonders: "What? To see if they can pick up any tips?"

GOD bless a trier. A Glasgow reader heard a chap in a city centre wine bar ask a woman there with her pals whether he could take her out. She gave him a long look before replying: "Out of what? My comfort zone?"

OUR tales of staff who give clever answers remind Terry Keegans in Beith: "I was attending a seminar on Nursing Ethics at the David Hume Tower, which is part of Edinburgh University. Running late as usual I hurried to the reception desk and asked, 'Where's Ethics?' Quick as a flash came the reply, 'Next to Thuthix'."

WE have all seen the phenomenon of companies giving ordinary jobs increasingly complicated titles - bin men who are now recycling operatives for example - so Keith Moore praises Glasgow company Jamhot which appears to be going in the opposite direction. It is advertising on the S1 jobs site for a "Head of Organising Stuff".

A HILLHEAD reader hears a student on University Avenue explain to his pal: "Being at yoonie is just like being unemployed - although your parents are proud of you."

Pic capt:

Tina Kemp spots a whisky for sale at a restaurant in Paguera, Majorca, which might have a bit of a bite.