Icy reception: DAVID McVey was at a meeting of the Royal Scottish Geographical Society in Glasgow and tells us:
DAVID McVey was at a meeting of the Royal Scottish Geographical Society in Glasgow and tells us: "The speaker was a doughty Norwegian polar explorer who said he'd been to the North Pole 19 times on expeditions, and added, 'I even went to the North Pole to get married.' "The chairman reflected on this and declared, 'No wonder all the ice is melting'."
Off the scale
A STUDENT at St Andrews University passes on the news that she received an e-mail from the university which began "Exam Off". Feeling a sense of relief, she studied it closer. As she puts it: "This is just cruel. Whoever it was that shortened 'examination office' to 'exam off' has a horrible sense of humour, and I hate you for giving me false hope."
Swan brake
OUR story about train delays reminds Gilbert MacKay of waiting for his son to arrive at Glasgow Central Station from London but the train being agonisingly delayed just out of reach of the platform because of a swan sitting on the track. It took a while for a suitably-qualified operative allowed to walk on the line to shoo it away. Gilbert's son, rather wittily, announced, when he finally arrived, there had been a "cygnet failure".
Space invader
THE Glasgow Film Theatre was last week showing the classic film 2001:A Space Odyssey, released on a new cleaned-up digital version. As Gill Hatcher tells us: "Only in Glasgow would a screening of A Space Odyssey begin with an audience member yelling, 'Mon the space!'"
Shugs and hisses
YES it's that time of year when we are all stumbling into taxis. A reader hears a woman in Glasgow explain: "I was in the back of a taxi when the driver kept on calling me 'Big Shug'. I'm looking at myself, and I'm thinking, 'Where's he getting that from?' Eventually I ask him, 'What?' Turns out he was wearing a headset and was on his phone'." Easy mistake to make.
Everyone's a critic
IT'S also that time of year for pantomime. Most publicity posters have supportive statements from a newspaper review. Ben Pedroche sees an advert in a paper for the panto Sleeping Beauty at Churchill Theatre in Bromley starring piano player Bobby Crush and soap star Marc Baylis, across the top the quotation "The best panto I've ever seen". In very small print below are the words "Audience member, opening night."
King of Scotland
OUR ever-popular Christmas competition this year is to change one letter in a film title to make a very different film.
Today's suggestions:
The Lost King of Scotland - Alex Salmond tries his luck at Westminster (Carl Williamson).
Apocalypse Naw - A nation pulls back from the precipice in a narrow vote against independence. (George Frier).
The Crime of Miss Jean Brodie - Miss Brodie flounces into Edinburgh Sheriff Court, denies everything, and blames the art teacher (David Perrie).
Raging Bill - Robert de Niro questions the tab at the end of a pub crawl (Keith McClory).
King Tong - Tales of gangland violence in sixties' Maryhill (David Donaldson).
Meal for two at fantastic Western Club in Glasgow for the winner, new Diary book Another Stoater for runner-up.
To a louse
OH dear. A colleague says: "I went to my pharmacist because my young son had a problem at primary school and asked the chemist if he had anything for head lice.
'That depends," he replied. "What's wrong with them?'"
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