OUR tales of abandoned Christmas tree collections remind John Crawford:

"My colleague, who used to run the clenny in one of the Ayrshire councils, once received a phone call from an irate householder who complained his garden waste bin hadn't been emptied. My colleague told him, 'I know sir, but you put a bike in it.' 'So?' was the reply. 'Well, sir, this bin is for green garden waste.' 'But it was a green bike,' was the reply."

Emergency in the bag

PARAMEDIC Stuart Gray, originally from Barrhead, has produced a collection of the most stupid and irrelevant calls to 999 entitled 101 Dumb Emergency Calls. It includes the exciteable person who rang and stated: "There's a man collapsed in the street! It's possible he's sleeping, though, as he's in a sleeping bag."

Testing times

THE sports news yestereday was that English cricketers Stuart Broad and Matt Prior talked a man out of committing suicide when they came across him on the parapet of a Sydney bridge in the early hours of the morning.

"Apparently," says a reader who calls, "they told him about the England Test series, and he realised that there's always folk worse off than yourself."

Sound of silence

THE legendary Neil Young was unhappy with his audience at New York's Carnegie Hall the other day chatting between songs. He is reported to have told them sarcastically: "No, you paid real good money to get in here, so you should be able to listen to each other."

It reminds us of American blues guitarist Walter Trout who was unhappy at a punter at Glasgow's Ferry shouting out a song request. "Hey," said Walter, "I don't come to shout at you when you're working, do I?"

Saving graces

WELL done Glasgow City Council for planning to give every first-year pupil a £10 savings account. As reader Robert Bennie says: "I wonder what they might invest their windfall in to teach them about the risks and value of long-term savings - 30 Rangers shares?"

Any other suggestions on what the little ones should do with their £10 windfall?

Growing pains

A READER on the bus into Glasgow heard a student tell his pal: "Bumped into my old primary teacher who said it was strange seeing me all grown up." He then added: "But it would have been even stranger surely, if I still looked about 12."

Resolute to the (week)end

THE good news in a survey by motorway catering company Welcome Break is that losing weight was the top New Year's resolution made by Scots this year. The sad news is that tomorrow is the day when most people will break their resolutions, as willpower is at its lowest.

I'm impressed people lasted so long.

No mistaking a mistake

"I NEVER make the same mistake twice," the chap in the Glasgow pub opined the other night. As his pals looked impressed he added: "I usually make it six or seven times before I'm convinced."

Let the force not be with us

THANKS to a colleague who wandered over to tell us: "I'm totally against all these wind farms in Scotland. We've enough flippin' wind already in my opinion."