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The Diary

Heading south

Heading south

FORMER Radio Clyde star Paul Coia, now working in London, was in Glasgow at the weekend for a charity fashion show. Says Paul: "I'm standing with a group of women when one asks me how long it's been since I moved south. I say I can't remember. The organiser looks at her boobs and says, 'You're lucky. I've been heading south for 20 years'."

Horse sense

A POSTSCRIPT to Glasgow politician Maria Fyfe's autobiography A Problem Like Maria. In it she recalls Tory grandee Nicholas Soames, grandson of Winston Churchill, standing for election in Clydebank. His cause wasn't helped by the SNP publishing a photo of him winning a polo match, holding aloft the trophy brimming with Champagne, his horse on one side, a blonde beauty on the other.

Knocking doors in Clydebank, Nicholas was finding little support until in one multi-storey, a chap said he would vote Conservative. Astonished, Nicholas asked him why, and he replied: "Any man who likes horses, booze and women can't be all bad."

Watch this space

WE continue our search for some humour in the independence debate. Writer and performer Sanjeev Kohli mused to his Twitter followers: "There's a spare unit between our local fishmongers and ironmongers. Perhaps Better Together would like to open a scaremongers there?"

Tucking in

LIFE can be difficult for middle-aged men trying to keep up with fashion trends. As Chris Pinkney commented: "When we start tucking our shirts into our jeans again, can someone text me or something? I don't want to miss it."

Arresting role

JIMMY Ellis, Bert Lynch on TV's Z-Cars, has sadly died. Jimmy worked on the show with director John McGrath who went on to start the 7:84 Theatre Company. When Jimmy's character was promoted to inspector he was told to go to a police function and hang out with an inspector to see how he acted. Jimmy recalled: "When I left at 3am he was standing on a table with his trousers around his ankles, playing an accordion with a pint balanced on his head, singing Eskimo Nell. So I said, 'that's how I'll play him'."

Get Fell in

EDDIE Roney tells us: "While watching the titles at the end of 'Allo 'Allo on BBC2 I was struck by the name of the stuntman - Stuart Fell. One hopes he has not lived up to his name."

Spirited performance

GREAT fun this week at Glasgow's disused Govanhill Baths where the audience can stand in the drained swimming pool and watch the Urban Fairytale Theatre Company's version of John Fowles's classic The Collector. Director Leslie Eadie was secretly winding up leading man James Robson by discussing paranormal experiences at the baths and moving things around when he wasn't looking. Confides Leslie: "It is freaking him out. After opening drawers and asking James if he did it, he actually shouted out, 'If you are there, we are not here to hurt you or steal your space, we are only here to do a play'. Very amusing."

Man of straw

A COLLEAGUE tells us his amateur dramatic society is putting on the Wizard of Oz. I asked him what part he was auditioning for. "Well I daren't play the Lion. And not the Tin Man as my heart's not in it. So I'm going for the Scarecrow - a no-brainer."

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