ALAN Walker in Carradale tells us two friends from Campbeltown were in a Glasgow taxi when it hit a pothole and the driver remarked that all they do in Glasgow is dig holes, put cones around them, and leave it at that.

He then gave them the splendid line: "Glesca has got more cones than Nardini's in Largs."

Uplifting words

ROYAL visits, continued. Ulla-Brita Carlsen in Ayr tells us that when the Queen went on a royal visit to Denmark in the late fifties, the indicator panel on a lift she had to use was covered up as it would come up with the Danish phrase "I fart" to indicate that it was "in motion", which obviously was too indelicate for the Queen.

"Needless to say," says Ulla-Brita, "my young son would press every lift button he came near in Denmark."

And Kenny Gillies in Yoker points out: "When the Queen visited Irvine in 1979, a row of derelict shops in the High Street opposite the town hall were painted specially for her visit. They were demolished for redevelopment a couple of weeks later."

The powder and the glory

JOHN Park tells us about the chap working in a Motherwell supermarket who was stacking the shelves with washing powder. That night in the pub he was telling some girls he was chatting to that he was a member of an "Ariel display team".

Losing the tawse

OUR mention of the old St Mungo's Academy in Glasgow reminds Paul Kerr: "In 1968 our French teacher, Big Sam, lost his tawse, and, suspecting it stolen from his desk, demanded to know who had perpetrated this foul deed. No-one owned up and the entire class was punished, staying behind after school for homework classes. Word went around soon after that the belt was indeed pilfered and buried just ahead of the next day's tarmacing on the motorway at Townhead."

Cross ref

GLASGOW writer Allan Morrison, in his just-published book on Scottish refs, entitled Should've Gone Tae Specsavers, Ref!, tells of the St Mirren striker being sent off who asked the referee: "What for?"

"The rest of the match," replied the man in black.

Mucho gratitude

A COLLEAGUE was telling his followers on Twitter earlier: "Thanks to all those who helped me find the English translation of 'mucho'. It means a lot."

Stand and deliver

IT can be tough living on the islands. Musician Hector Macinnes on Skye ordered a container of smoke liquid, which produces a fog on stage, for 20 quid online from electronics company Maplin. He did not notice that because he does not live on the mainland, the Maplin bill included a delivery charge of £11,998.80

"I might have found it funnier if they hadn't actually tried to take it from my account," says Hector, but fortunately it was rejected by his bank.

Maplins says it was of course incorrect, and that it is investigating.

Eye, right

WE asked for your historic quotes as seen through Scottish eyes, and Carl Williamson suggests: "That's a real stoater"- Barnes Wallace.

And David Walker submits: "Hoy, William of Normandy. Watch it with the arrows. You could take someone's eye out!"

A copy of Norman Ferguson's book If History Was Scottish for our favourite submission.