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The wrong track

OUR sleeping on the train story reminds Alastair Macpherson of the Aberdeen University student who used to travel by train to his home in Keith every Friday evening.

Says Alastair: "Unfortunately, he often fell asleep and didn't wake up until the train reached the end of the line in Inverness.

"So he wrote 'Keith' on a large piece of cardboard and hung it round his neck before dozing off as usual. Imagine his chagrin when a member of the train staff woke him up, telling him, 'Hello, Keith. You'll be delighted to know that you are now safely in Inverness'."

Cauliflower earful

FRUIT and veg, it seems, are still strangers to many a Scot. An Ayrshire reader tells us his teenage grandson came home from his shift in an upmarket restaurant locally and, when asked how his day went, he replied: "Terrible. I had to try to explain to a diner what cauliflower was."

Sounding off

JAKE Lambert tells us: "Nobody can ever believe it when I tell them I once turned down Rihanna."

He then added: "But then they don't realise just how loud my sister was playing her radio."

Bottom's up

AIRLINE Ryanair is holding a press conference today when it is feared it might announce it is pulling out of Prestwick Airport. It reminds us of the time that a chap who had never travelled with the airline before he got on the plane and he wasn't sure if he was to go to an allocated seat. He hesitantly asked a stewardess: "Where do I sit?" "On your bum," she cheerfully replied.

Backhanded compliment

SO Andy Murray is out of Wimbledon and, no, we'll avoid the obvious statements about him being Scottish again. However as Oldfirmfacts1 said on Twitter: "Scottish tennis fans - always banging on about 2013."

And someone watching Wilmbledon on the telly states: "Tennis fans. Pretend you're at Wimbledon by simply laughing and clapping every time a pigeon lands on your lawn."

Nowt to Mone about

BRA manufacturer Michelle Mone was in the news yesterday for complaining about Strathclyde Uni buying a town house for its principal next door to her pad in Glasgow's Park Circus as she feared students would lower the tone of the neighbourhood. But as Peter Bell commented: "Surely Michelle's problems with her neighbours will soon be resolved. Has she not threatened to quit Scotland when we vote Yes?"

Open and shut case

AND the news story about the tool thieves on Arran jumping off the ferry to avoid capture reminds John Armstrong in Dundee of reading in the Book of Heroic Failures about the would-be bank thieves on Rothesay who initially got stuck in the revolving door of the bank and had to be freed by staff.

When they then tried to rob the bank, the staff wouldn't believe them and they got jammed in the revolving door a second time on their way out after staff simply laughed at them.

Service fault

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "I'm going to join a support group for failed butlers and maids - I can't wait."

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