ELMA Stevenson tells us she was at the Corrie Golf Club tearoom on Arran at the weekend when the waitress told her that she was surprised by a customer who came in with her own food and merely asked for a cup of hot water for her tea bag.

Trying to think of a reason for such parsimony Elma asked the waitress: "Was she celiac?"

"No," replied the lady in the tearoom. "She came from Edinburgh."

Pedalling a myth

"DO you know what's fun?" a cyclist phones to tell us. "Riding one of those bikes with a toddler seat at the back with no-one in it and saying very loudly when you pass folk on the street 'You're being very well behaved today'."

Dozing off

A READER was in a Glasgow pub at the weekend when a fellow toper declared: "I always follow government advice to pull to the side of the road if you are tired and have a nap."

"Mind you," he added, "my passengers never seem happy about it."

Stock's falling

A COUPLE of Glasgow women were overheard discussing a mutual friend's younger, handsome, boyfriend. Eventually one of them opined: "He might have the looks, but he's not the brightest. If you asked him about the stock exchange he would think it was somewhere to swop your Oxo cubes for a jar of Bovril."

Struck by old age

LOTS of discussion among Rangers fans about whether they should sign former striker Kenny Miller who has left his Canadian club. However as one Celtic fan phones to ruminate: "I wish Kenny Miller all the best. It's sad when once good players start the eventual decline down the leagues. Old age comes to us all."

On Twitter, oldfirmfacts1 declares: "There's been a hitch in negotiations between Kenny Miller and Rangers. 'What do you mean you've stopped offering EBTs?' asks the striker."

One night at a time

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt our work by telling us: "My friend was involved in a one-night stand that went disastrously wrong. He's been married seven years now."

Yes to surprise result

THE debate about our sister paper the Sunday Herald backing independence continues. We like the comment of the Sunday Herald reader who suggests that voting in the referendum is more complex than we realised.

She said: "One of the young men I work beside was polled recently. He is a Yes voter but he told the pollster that he was voting No.

"We asked him why he did that and he said that he wants it to be more of a surprise for them when the Yes vote wins."

Ticket to miss the match

READER Andrew Gray receives an e-mail from St Mirren Football Club about season ticket prices for next year, and in making a point about the value of the season ticket, the email states: "Supporters could potentially miss five matches and be no worse off." Only St Mirren, reckons Andrew, could make not turning up for the matches sound like a good idea.

Sobering thought

CATCHING the bus into Glasgow last week, a reader heard a young chap ask a pal he met: "You look rough. Did you have one of your famous drunken nights?"

"No," replied the pal. "Sadly it was one of my not-so-famous sober nights."