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To huv and to huvn'y

YES, it's that time of year.

Reader Anne Alexander was woken at three in the morning on Saturday by a Glasgow punter on the phone who demanded: "Can a huv a taxi fur 55 Mitchell Street?"

Keeping her temper, Anne replied: "Sorry, you've got the wrong number."

The chap tested Anne's patience further by replying: "Naw ah huvn'y - it's definitely 55 Mitchell Street."

Thistle sell it

MARKETING is important when selling a product. A Partick Thistle fan approaching Firhill was stopped by a street vendor selling Thistle calendars who tried to seal the deal by stating: "All good-looking footballers." As she hesitated, he delivered his best line: "All plooks airbrushed out."

Scotch brothel

A grizzled Buddie, bemoaning the goal-scoring chances spurned by St Mirren against Inverness Caley Thistle on Saturday, shouted at his team in exasperation: "Nane o' youse could score in a brothel," forgetting that an eight-year-old boy was sitting with his father within earshot. The old chap leaned across to the boy and explained: "Jist tae let you know, wee man, a brothel is the place where they make soup." Job done.

Mandela to a T

THE death of Nelson Mandela reminds us of the story in retired Labour MP Dennis Canavan's autobiography when Mandela was invited to address the UK Parliament. Wrote Dennis: "When I spotted Margaret Thatcher, I could not resist reminding her that she had formerly declared that Mandela was a terrorist and that anyone who thought that the ANC would ever form the government of South Africa must be living in cloud cuckoo land. To her credit, the Great Lady admitted her fallibility. 'Surely we're all entitled to make one mistake', she opined. Mandela would have been too polite to point out that she had far exceeded her entitlement."

No offence intended

EVEN someone as honoured as Mandela was not spared Glasgow humour. We remember a deli in Byres Road organising literary evenings and writing to Mandela hoping for a message of encouragement. Their letter to the great man began: "Given the depressing statistics on re-offending, you are to be congratulated on staying out of trouble since leaving prison."

He said Wat?

INTELLECTUAL jokes continued. Says John Macdonald: "My favourite, courtesy of Barry Cryer on Jokers Wild: Q: Who led the Pedants' Revolt?

"A: Which Tyler!"

Nothing to it

MORE on pilots as Joe Boyle in King's Park tells us about the pilot in Australia, flying over the vast Outback en route to Singapore from Sydney who told passengers: "We're flying over the Gabba."

Passengers nodded as if they knew what he was talking about, but it was only afterwards that he told someone who asked, that he was referring to the "great Australian b*****-all".

Paris matched

THE Paris Metro has printed a "politeness manual" for travellers which lists commandments including not playing music too loudly through headphones, not staring for too long at beautiful women, and to use a handkerchief when sneezing.

David Donaldson wonders what the commandments should be on the Glasgow Subway, and suggests: "If you have not finished your chips when the train arrives, don't offer them to other passengers." Any other suggestions?

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