A READER was in a health food store at the Silverburn shopping centre when an elderly lady following her daughter around looked at all the bottles on the shelves and announced:
"When I was young vitamins only went up to C."
Them and US
AMERICA'S spy agency the CIA now has a Twitter account on which it is following 25 other Twitter users.
"Oh come on, we know you are following far more than that," commented one Twitter user.
One Direction mind
CHARITY auctioneer Willie Paterson, raising money for leading Scottish children's charity Aberlour at a dinner in Glasgow, was seeking bids for a football shirt signed by young One Direction singer Louis Tomlinson. Willie shocked the charity's guests by announcing that boy band star Louis was "good in bed".
He then explained: "Yes, he can now go to sleep at night without having to have a story read to him."
Corgis take the lead
GUEST speaker at the Aberlour dinner was Olympic gold medal winner, rower Katherine Grainger, who is originally from Bearsden. All the British medallists were invited to Buckingham Palace after the Olympics where Katherine congratulated the Queen on her impressive part in the opening ceremony in the James Bond sketch.
"Oh yes, a few people have been commenting on that," replied the Queen before her face broke into a huge smile and she added: "But did you see how well my corgis acted!"
Oh Bhoy
CELTIC fans are still trying to work out what to make of their club's relatively unknown new manager Ronny Deila. As a West Ham fan down south joked: "My mate said to me that he had just heard that Ronny Deila was Celtic's new manager. Looking bemused, I said to him, 'Who?'
"He replied, 'Celtic, a football team from Scotland'."
Rocky road
SCOTS on holiday - Kate Woods in Colorado Springs tells us: "I was sitting outside a coffee shop when I heard Glasgow accents from the couple at the next table so I asked them if they were on holiday. The man said they had arrived the night before and wanted to see the Rocky Mountains.
"As I looked at the whole western horizon which is a wall of mountains, I said, 'What do you think of them?'
"His wife replied, 'Oh we haven't seen them yet - they ones are blocking our view'."
Flushed with success
A GLASGOW lawyer tells us: "Was at a lawyers' seminar in the lovely refurbished St George's Tron Church which started with the caretaker explaining a few housekeeping rules, such as where the fire exits were.
"He then pointed out the lights in the toilets, and said they were motion sensitive."
Reality check
A COLLEAGUE wanders over to tell us: "Worried about burglars when you go on holiday this summer?
"Simply put all your valuables in an empty X Factor box set."
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