RETIRED police officer Stephen Pender was receiving treatment from a physio for a back injury when he was told to balance on a giant exercise ball with his hands and knees.
The rest of the class cracked up when Stephen announced he felt like a performing circus elephant.
The laughter only got even louder when the physio responded with: "You're not taking this seriously – this is really good for your trunk!"
THERE'S always one misogynist, even on Valentine's Day. Said the chap in the pub catching a pint on the way home: "The wife just called to say that three of the girls in the office have just received bouquets of flowers for Valentine's Day and that they were absolutely gorgeous.
"I told her, 'That's probably why they got the flowers then'."
A READER on the train to work yesterday was impressed by the cleverness of the teenage pupil on the train signing the plaster cast of a mate who had broken his arm. When the chap in plaster asked him why had written "idiot" on the cast, the chap who wrote it explained: "I was just adding insult to injury."
OUR mention of Billy Connolly dealing with hecklers reminds Richard Fowler in Kilwinning: "My late friend, Phil Todd, was proposing the Immortal Memory at a Burns Supper in Kilmarnock when a member of the audience who had over-imbibed began heckling. Phil ignored him for some time but eventually looked directly at the heckler and said, 'God surely wasted a good backside there when he put teeth in it!'
"Phil was never heckled again –that night or thereafter."
Art of the matter
CEREBRAL graffiti continued. Says reader Bill Moore: "Seen on the toilet wall in a pub in Oxford – some wag had drawn two cubes with the tag, 'Balls to Picasso'."
IT'S tough out there in the retail sector. A reader in Edinburgh heard a fellow shopper ask the shop assistant: "This is 50% off?"
When the assistant said yes, the shopper asked, "Of what?" and the puzzled assistant replied: "The original price."
"But it was this price before you put up the sale sign," argued the shopper.
But the assistant explained: "No, the original price – before the other price."
WELL, perhaps we should mention Rangers. Combining two football stories from the news pages, a reader asks: "What's got four legs and more money than Rangers?"
He adds: "Harry Redknapp's dog."
AND reader John Dyer anxiously asks: "Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on ebay? I recently put in a bid for a wee cowboy outfit and I'm now six minutes away from owning Rangers Football Club. Pease help!"
We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis. If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules, which are available here.
Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.