Twilight zone

Ken Smith

Diary Editor

Friday 25 November 2011

ONE of the benefits of having teenage children is the ability to embarrass them.

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Step forward Ian Cameron, who took his son to see the latest Twilight vampire film at the Grosvenor in the west end. Ian felt queasy at the first sight of blood on the screen, fainted, grazed his cheek as he collapsed, and an ambulance was called.

His son’s remark of “boody cheek” may or may not have been an explanation to the paramedics.Holy terrorKILT-WEARING celebrity chef Antonio Carluccio opened his Glasgow restaurant by telling the tale of the young Italian boy who was told by his mother that if he behaved himself for a whole month, then Baby Jesus might bring him a bike at Christmas – the Italians prefer the Baby Jesus to Santa.“However,” said Antonio, “the boy could not imagine staying good for a month, so he took a statue of the Madonna from the house, put it in a drawer, and wrote a letter, ‘Dear Baby Jesus, if you want to see your mother again, send me a bike’.” Cheque mateOUR tales of cashing cheques in pubs remind Hugh Campbell of when the Nigg Ferry Hotel in Easter Ross was the only bar around for the 2000 men working at the nearby oil-rig fabrication yard at its peak some 30 years ago, and was a goldmine catering to the well-paid thirsty workers.Says Hugh: “After a few refreshments one punter informed the owner that if he won the jackpot on the Littlewood’s football pools he would buy the pub. The owner cooly replied, ‘Laddy, if you ever win the jackpot, just bring the cheque in and I’ll cash it for you’.”That’s the spiritLUNCHTIME drinking is of course a thing of the past for most workers these days. One retired boss in Glasgow tells us a few of his younger staff were drinking vodka at lunchtime so that their breath wouldn’t smell of alcohol.He told them that he would prefer if they drank whisky as he thought it would be better if the customers thought they were drunk rather than just stupid.Bird brainPOETIC plumbers continued. Morag Galbraith says: “I’m reminded of the plumber in New Cumnock who relishes in the nickname of Budgie. Emblazoned on the side of his van is the legend, ‘Trouble wi’ yer cludgie? Phone Budgie!’” Bundle of nervesSTRESS affects folk differently in different parts of the country. Shiona Hall in Glasgow tells us of a holidaymaker who went into a quiet local store on Arran and asked for a Herald. The store owner said they weren’t ready yet.Reclls Shiona: “Nodding at the still tied bundle of papers, the customer said pleasantly, ‘Well, If you give me scissors I could cut the string.’“Sorrowfully shaking his head the shopkeeper replied, ‘It’s folk like you that’re going to give me a coronary’.”

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Twilight zone

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