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Under her skin

YOU get a different style of compliment in Glasgow.

A reader was in a west end supermarket when the elderly woman in front of her, chatting to the check-out assistant told her: "You've get lovely skin." When the young girl said "Thanks", the elderly lady added: "If I were younger I'd hate you."

Ruff justice

We were seeking humour in the independence debate, and someone suggested that if Scotland was under water, Alex Salmond would be claiming it was a great place for divers. However Ronnie Bruckshaw says: "To counter that, if Alex Salmond announced he had a dog that could walk on water, the No Campaign would announce that Alex Salmond's dog can't swim."

In lieu of a loo

THE death of Labour veteran Tony Benn reminds us of his visit to Celtic Connections in Glasgow when he told the tale of driving near Westminster many years ago and urgently needing to go to the loo. In desperation, he lifted the car's bonnet and relieved himself against the engine, hoping he would be out of sight. However a passer-by stopped him and said: "I see your problem - your radiator's leaking."

And when Tony spoke at the Mitchell Theatre in Glasgow on the 40th anniversary of the UCS shipyard occupation, his contract stipulated, not the usual request for exotic vodkas, flowers or Smarties with the blue ones removed, but simply a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea.

Called to heal

NOMINATIVE determinism continued. Hugh Sheils in Ayr attended a fracture clinic recently where the anaesthetist was Dr A Wake."

A hot date

NOSTALGIA alert! We asked for your dating stories, and Ian McCloy tells us of growing up in Port Glasgow where as a nervous teenager on his first date he sheltered down the back close of his date's tenement building. Says Ian: "Leading me to the brick-built dustbin store and out of the icy blast, my date ran her fingers over the lids of the galvanised dustbins and announced that she was going to sit on that one. 'Why that one?', I asked. 'Someone has just put out the hot ashes from their fire and it will keep my backside warm' she said."

Fathers daze

ANTHONY Finn, former head of the General Teaching Council for Scotland, delivered the Cardinal Winning lecture at Glasgow University recently on the subject of Catholic education. As a former headteacher himself he told of the lengths some families would go to secure a place in a Catholic school.

He said: "My all-time favourite was told by a headteacher who received a request to enrol five siblings, all with different fathers. All of the fathers, mum insisted, were 'good Catholics'."

What's the point?

SCOTS actor Colin McCredie, well known for his role in Taggart, posted on Twitter last week: "Woo Hoo!! A career high." He was referring to his name coming up on the TV quiz programme Pointless as a pointless answer when the public were asked to name actors from the film Shallow Grave. We admire Colin's ability to laugh at it - so few actors would.

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