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Up in smoke

NEW York cabs continued.

Murray Hannah at Glasgow deli Berits & Brown tells us: "I jumped into a yellow cab after a night out in Manhattan in the 1990s. Realising I had run out of cigarettes, I leaned forward and innocently asked our driver, 'Where can I get some fags round here?'

"Needless to say, after the screeching sound of tyres I found myself on the pavement. Lost in translation or what."

Hanging on the telephone

TRICKY things these mobile phones. An Edinburgh reader tells us he got a frosty reception when he went home from work and his wife told him their young son had tried to phone him three times and each time a woman had answered his phone, and just who was she?

The puzzled dad asked the young lad what the lady had said.

"Something about it being busy, and please try later," he replied.

Switch off

YOU can't be too careful, it seems. NHS Grampian has launched a website giving advice on sexual health. Due to the graphic nature of some of the advice it has now told its own staff they should not attempt to access the site using an NHS Grampian computer.

Bit between the teeth

WE did the Tesco horse meat gags yesterday. Surprised, though, that there was no mention of the Old Firm, as it usually makes an appearance, no matter what the subject. Worry not. A reader finally phoned to tell us: "Heard that Tesco is interested in sponsoring the SPL for the next couple of seasons because it will be a one-horse race."

Hair-raising

OF course, horse meat being served up is nothing new. Jim Hair in Dalry recalls: "My late father used to talk of post-war meat rationing. An enterprising butcher was able to source a supply of horse meat but after a few months one woman noted her husband was sprouting long hair down his back.

"Obviously concerned, he set off to the doctors who prescribed some tablets.

"'Will this stop me growing a mane?' the man asked. 'No,' says the doc, 'but it should stop you doing the toilet in the street.'"

Tune in

WE finally turn the switch off on our change-one-letter-in-a-television-title competition. The final suggestions:

One Bore Every Minute – Scottish independence opponents put forward their case for the Union. (Frank Bendoris).

Levis – an Oxford detective solves who stole the jeans. (Glyn Bragg).

Clog It – a game show for teenagers and plumbers. (George Wishart).

Come Pine with Me – strangers meet to discuss childhood nostalgic items. (Bill Cassidy).

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