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Up in the air

NEWS that Loganair is to halt flights from Dundee to Belfast reminds Brenda Gillies of when she was on the inaugural flight from Dundee and, to celebrate the event, the stewardess asked: "Would youse like a glass of Buckfast?"

Says Brenda: "When I suggested she perhaps meant bucks fizz, given the orange juice/cava combo on offer, the reply came, 'Oh s***, so I do.'

"Ah, the glamour of domestic flight."

Is anybody there?

TALKING of stewardesses, Felix McCoy, retired head concierge at the unforgettable Albany Hotel in Glasgow, tells us they once had an American flight attendant who asked if there was a spiritualist church nearby. Felix sent a young concierge to make inquiries. He returned with directions to the spiritualist centre in Somerset Place, then added with a straight face: "Remember, ring the bell when you go there. Don't knock on the door. That just confuses them."

In trouble

POLITICS, and Ian Johnston gives us a new version of an old joke.

"How can you tell Alex Salmond is lying?

"You can see Nicola Sturgeon's lips move."

Clocking off

THE clocks went back of course at the weekend. As one chap in an Ayrshire golf club announced yesterday: "My phone, television and laptop all put their clocks back an hour without me touching them.

"So now I'm not even as smart as the stuff I own."

Healthy appetite

EVEN buying a sandwich these days is complicated. Ronnie Smith tells us: "A first-timer customer in Kirkintilloch's Subway was looking at the board, and eventually asked for a number 377.

"The assistant looked puzzled and explained you didn't order by number like a Chinese take-away. The number he was looking at was the calories in the sandwich.

"I enjoyed my lunch with a smile."

On best behaviour

DENIS MacCann, boss of Glasgow's Indigo Hotel, held a charity fund-raiser last week for Yorkhill Hospital with entertainment from the Glasgow Gospel Choir. A singer tells us one of the benefits of being in a choir is: "When folk ask you if you've been behaving, you can tell them with the utmost sincerity you're a choirboy."

Step into the spotlight

HALLOWEEN this week, and Lynda Nicholson recalls: "It was pouring one Halloween when I lived in Clarkston, so to protect my new carpets from all the dirty feet, I put a rug down and told all the guisers they had to stand on it to do their jokes and songs. Before I knew it I had a queue down the path. I had no idea why my house was so popular until the next day when I heard it was the best to go to 'because it had a stage'."

Any other tales of guisers?

Cleaning up

WE asked for your Commonwealth Games slogan to reflect the fact they are being held in Glasgow, and Carl Williamson in Largs suggests: "Go for gold – but leave the lead alone."

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