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Upper crust

OUR nostalgic mention of Milanda bread reminds Glen Elliot in Elgin: "We all remember the famous Milanda advert, 'Fresh to the last slice.'

"My elderly aunt wrote to Milanda and asked: 'What is wrong with the last slice?' The advert disappeared."

It's neigh joke

WILL the poor folk at Tesco never be forgiven? A reader tells us: "Seen leaving Lochgilphead last Saturday – the white, articulated Tesco delivery truck with the additional text, graffiti style, along the length of the trailer, hand-written in the traffic grime: "Caution – horses in transit."

Rough mix

WE mentioned the American tourists in Dowanhill Street bar, The Sparkle Horse, mistaking the name of the winning quiz team for a drink, and asking for "three Partick Swayzes". As the barmaid had to make up a drink on the spot, reader David Bradshaw suggests for the future: "Given Mr Swayze's role in the film Roadhouse and Glasgow's reputation, you could simply have a bottle of Jack Daniels broken over your napper."

A new dance

A READER interested in politics sees the story that the Prime Minister wants an in-out referendum on Europe, and tells us: "I'm sure there would be a lot more interest if he added a third option: 'Shake it all about.'"

Stock up

"WHY," wonders a reader, "did Asda send out two emails to online shopping customers, the first headed: 'Snowed in? Stock up and save money with Asda home delivery' and the other containing a severe weather alert warning that home deliveries could be badly affected?"

Smarten up

IT was the National Television Awards in London last night. We liked the comment by Welsh comedian Bennett Arron on the way in to the black-tie do: "Wearing a tuxedo. I look like James Bond – after he gave up vodka martinis and went for beer and crisps."

Bar review

SAD to hear of the death of leading motoring writer in Scotland Malcolm McDougall. Always one to speak his mind, Malcolm once told racing champion Sir Jackie Stewart: "Your hair's too long – you look like a hippy." They remained friends thereafter.

Never a shy man, Malcolm was seen at Glasgow Airport where he fancied a refreshment. He merely walked into an executive lounge and announced that he was a personal friend of the airline's chairman and had been sent to check the white wine was being served at the right temperature. He was imediately served.

Excuses, excuses

THE Herald arts page story on the Stax tour of Britain in 1967 reminds Ninian Fergus of attending the Glasgow concert in the Locarno Ballroom, missing the last train home to Linlithgow, and missing school the next day as he was hitch-hiking home. Says Ninian: "I can't remember what excuse I gave my teacher, but it couldn't have been as good as the one given by a parent to my father, a primary school teacher: 'Please excuse Jimmy's absence from school today as he has diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe.'"

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