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Very heavy rain?

OUR tale of television sub-titling reminds Mark Hamilton: "When I was on a coffee break at work last week, myself and a colleague where left a bit anxious after watching a weather forecast on News 24 which stated that 'in the Central lowlands of Scotland there will be bricks in the clouds towards the end of the afternoon'.

I dug out my old safety hat just in case."

Bounced out

ALREADY folk are girding up for the office parties this Christmas. One ageing boss admitted to us that he was persuaded by younger staff to attend a trendy nightspot afterwards where the doorman stopped him and said: "Sorry bud. You've had too many."

"What, drinks?" asked the boss.

"No, birthdays," said the steward.

Dog-gone BBC

THE media will have their eyes on Linlithgow Palace next month where numerous celebs are expected to attend a fashion show by French fashion house Chanel. We recall when First Minister Alex Salmond was interviewed in Linlithgow just yards from the palace, outside the Black Bitch Tavern by the BBC. The tavern is of course named after the female greyhound in the Linlithgow coat of arms. However the BBC was not taking any chances – it pixelated the words "Black Bitch".

Safety first?

CHEESY driving school names? Chris O'Reilly says: "There's a driving school in Aberdeen called 'Acci-don't!'"

Darth of humour

AFTER our story of the ice hockey officials at Paisley taking the ice while the announcer played Three Blind Mice, triathlon official Maisie Bancewicz says sports officials shouldn't be too po-faced. "She tells us: "Along with fellow officials filing on to the pontoon before the start of last year's European Triathlon Championships in Pontevedra, Spain, we were greeted by the background score from Star Wars for Darth Vader's entrance on the Death Star. We laughed so much we had difficulty keeping our faces straight."

Fast answer

SHARING famous names continued. Says Frank Owens in Glasgow: "A former workmate was pulled over by the police for driving over the speed limit. The officer approached him stating the much-used phrase at the time 'who do you think you are? Stirling Moss?' To which my workmate truthfully replied 'no, Graham Hill'. He produced his driving licence as proof and was let off."

Unhealthy appetite?

WE see a few folk are on diets just now in order to give themselves a bit of slack, as it were, at Christmas. It reminds John Park in Motherwell: "A woman opens her friend's fridge and finds a picture of a slender, scantily -clad woman. Her pal said she put it in there to remind herself not to over-eat.

"When the woman asked if it worked, her pal replied, 'Yes and no. I've lost 15lbs but my husband has gained 20'."

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