A READER overhears what sounds like a German couple being shown around the city centre by a local who stepped out into St Vincent Street, even though the German couple had stopped.

The German chap asked: "Do you not wait for the traffic lights?"

"Oh no," replied the local. "In Glasgow they're really more of a suggestion."

The ol' enemy

BIG game of fitba' last night, but these days in Scotland there is always a political point to be made. As Dougie McCann put it: "Exciting night for No voters as they get to see their big team take on their second team - Scotland."

Faint praise

A MEMORABLE day too at the Scottish Parliament yesterday. As the LibDems announced on social media: "Big day at Holyrood - LibDem MSP Jim Hume has a topical question on hospital capacity issue. Oh, and some guy is standing down as well, apparently."

Role reversal

MEANWHILE out in the real world, Colin Castle tells us: "During a recent stay in hospital I discovered that one of the nurses was a former pupil of mine when I was teaching at Drumchapel High. As she was emptying my catheter bag she remarked, 'Its been a while since I took the p*** out of one of my teachers!'"

A life sentence

"DID you see that American mass murderer Charles Manson is getting married in prison?" a chap told his pals in a Glasgow pub the other night.

"Well you know what they say," replied his mate. "Bad things happen to bad people."

Unlicensed to kill

THE HERALD feature about the disused Govan Dry Docks reminded Russell Martin in Bearsden of when he worked there in the 1980s. Says Russell: "A black and white collie reputedly owned by a nearby garage inhabited the docks by day and was nicknamed Skoosh by the workmen because of the high speed with which he would race around the premises, when not riding in the foreman's truck. The men taught him a few tricks, including barking loudly when any white-overalled manager appeared on the horizon, although exhortations to 'kill' were fortunately not followed up by the animal."

Bandit country

AND Colin Campbell tells us some people nicknamed the disused and overgrown Govan docks as Sherwood Forest - because there was always the chance if you strayed into them you ran the risk of being robbed by bandits.

Skills shortage

A YOUNG Glasgow woman is heard being told by her pals that she would get on better in her job if she developed "better people skills."

Her memorable defence of her attitude was: "I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people."

Not a sausage

OLD jokes continued. Says reader Bob Byiers: "Your old joke about chickens dating reminds me of an even older one about the butcher who fell on hard times and started making his sausages half beef and half breadcrumbs as he was having difficulty making both ends meat.

"Sorry!"

Upper Klass

FORMER pop singer Myleene Klass was in the news for berating Labour leader Ed Miliband over Labour's plans for a mansion on houses worth over £2 million. She claimed it was unfair. Bernie Forkin threw some light on the row with the explanation: "Her full name in Myleene Klass-Traytor."