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Wan for the tabloids

CONGRATULATIONS to Scots actor Ewan McGregor for his OBE in the Honours List.

Star Wars fans will appreciate the reaction by fellow Scots actor Colin McCredie who remarked: "Genuinely shocked that the tabloids didn't run the headline 'OBE Wan Kenobi'."

Sack him

WE imagine there are a few parents who might agree with the sentiments expressed by a woman having coffee in Glasgow's West End last week. She told her companion: "I'm becoming a little tired of Santa getting all the credit."

Chow it over

EVEN amid the rain and sleet, determined dog-walkers can still be seen in local parks. A reader in Rouken Glen Park watched as a woman in the distance started waving at a chap walking his chow. As she got closer she told the dog walker: "I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody else."

The chow owner had the perfect riposte. "I am," he told her.

One for the books

APPRENTICES continued. Paul Smith tells us: "Many years ago an office junior friend, working in the Bank of Scotland, was sent to the local Clydesdale Bank as a joke to ask for the General Ledger, which contains all customer and branch account details.

"Much consternation when he returned with this highly confidential book. Turned out both juniors knew each other and the ledger was lent with a 'No bother'."

Only choking

YES, the sales are still going strong in the city's stores. It reminds John Bannerman of the classic, ie very old gag of the chap returning a scarf to the shop where he was told there had to be something wrong with it in order to get a refund.

"It's too tight," he replied.

Discommoded

OUR tales of strange names bestowed on children remind Alan Briggs: "As a teenager in Chester I was delighted to meet, a very comely lass that I really fancied. I spoiled my chances by laughing when I learned that she had been christened Honour, the daughter of Mr and Mrs Kermode."

Gagging order

WE have mentioned before the police at Solihull who can't stop themselves from putting a few gags on their police Twitter account which is normally used for the more mundane tasks of warning about traffic congestion or crime hot-spots. They must have got a joke book for Christmas as they announced: "You can only make an insurance claim for a Christmas cake if it's stollen."

Cheap jibe

IT'S hard to imagine insulting so many different people and organisations in the one sentence, but a fan at Partick Thistle's last match was overheard remarking on the news of a disturbance at another game: "Celtic fans causing bother in Dundee – that's like going shoplifting in Poundland."

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