WE sometimes think you have to be bilingual in Lanarkshire.
A reader tells us that her Lanarkshire niece came home from her dancing classes with awards in tap, majorette and cheerleading. Gazing at her various rosettes and certificates, the young one asked her dad: "What does certificate of merit mean?" Before he had a chance to answer she added: "Oh, silly me, that's when you're married, isn't it?"
Numbers don't add up
THOSE who follow the theological significance of numbers will appreciate the comment the other day on the twitter account of the Catholic Archdiocese of Glasgow: "We currently have 666 followers ... another one or two would be nice!"
It worked. Within 24 hours another 100 or so twitter followers were added, and thus Satan was denied. Phew!
CONGRATULATIONS to silent movie The Artist for winning so many Oscars. But as one film fan pessimistically told us: "Sadly we all know that right now Hollywood is planning a speaking, colour, 3D remake of The Artist, starring Nicolas Cage and Megan Fox."
It's the way he tells them
AND fans of a diminutive movie actor of yore will appreciate the fact that Scots entertainer Andy Cameron used to call the late Frank Carson "Aw-day Murphy" as wherever they went, the Irish comedian would never stop cracking jokes with everyone they met.
In the spotlight
AGAIN, we try not to poke fun at the dire situation Rangers FC finds itself in. But it doesn't stop reader Bruce Skivington from asking: "How many Rangers board members does it take to change a light bulb?"
He answers himself: "Where did you find the money for a new light bulb? Anyway it is better being in the dark."
What's in a name?
IT'S something of a folk revival in the Diary just now, as after mentioning the late Danny Kyle in recent days, we learn about his contemporary Hamish Imlach in the reissue in paperback of Colin Harper's fine history Dazzling Stranger: Bert Jansch and the British Folk and Blues Revival.
Hamish, born in Calcutta, ended up after the Second World War as a pupil at Glasgow's Hyndland Secondary where he wore a dazzling Palm Beach shirt and a fez.
He later claimed that his father was in Britain when he was born, and, alas too late for Hamish's christening, sent his mother a telegram stating: "Call him anything but Hamish – all the Hamishes I know are drunken wasters."
A CHAP in the pub the other night was telling his pals that he had been quite nervous on a recent flight when he discovered that the pilot was female.
"Oh that's so sexist of you," one of his mates replied. "It's not as if she had to reverse it."
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