LOSING weight - never easy.
A reader in a Glasgow department store heard the woman beside her ask the assistant if they had a pair of jeans in a larger size as "I'm still trying to lose my baby weight."
"How old's your baby?" asked the excited assistant.
"Fourteen," replied the mum.
Stick to it
THE World Cup, and one of the joys for youngsters is collecting the stickers for their World Cup album.
Ben Verth from Edinburgh heard a young lad say to his bag-laden mum: "Can I have a packet of stickers?" His exasperated mum held up the bags she was carrying and told him: "No, you've had a lot bought for you already today."
"So why not finish the job?" tried the young lad.
BAR staff continued. Andy Cameron tells us that the late great Glen Daly was once served a whisky with ice in it, and when he complained that he didn't ask for ice, the Glasgow barman replied: "It's only ice - it'll no' dae ye any harm."
"Tell that tae the captain o' the Titanic," replied Glen.
Full of beans
AND Bert Peattie in Kirkcaldy recalls: "My favourite dish in my local was sausage, beans and chips. It was well known that I preferred my beans cold. One day after placing my order, I noticed that people who had ordered after me had been served, while I was still waiting. I caught the barmaid's eye, and she dashed into the kitchen, reappearing with my dish. 'Sorry Bert,' she apologised, 'we were blawn oan yer beans'."
RICHARD Fowler was waiting for the Ardrossan to Kilmarnock bus the other day which advertises a bus every eight minutes, but after waiting a quarter of an hour he expressed disattisfaction to a fellow would-be passenger. The chap explained to him: "They've a new rule at the Ardrossan terminus - they roll a dice and they need a six to start."
WE like the name of the discussion at Waterstone's in Argyle Street, Glasgow, next Thursday when three crime writers from Glasgow will debate with three crime writers from Edinburgh, which city has produced the best crime fiction. The title is "Assault 'n Battery V Assault 'n Sauce".
AS we trawl for humour in the referendum debate, Eddie Withers tells us he was at a London comedy show where the character Al Murray, the pub landlord, had a jovial conversation with an audience member from Scotland. The pub landlord exclaimed: "So if the vote for independence goes for Yes, you will become a member of the People's Republic of Jockistan?"
Worryingly, says Eddie, the audience thought that was hilarious.
WHY it's important to distinguish between a word being used as a verb or as a noun. Stuart Morrison in Glasgow passed a Herald billboard with the message: "Free today: Scotland Decides pullout" and he thinks: "Three months premature with that headline, surely?"
Back to school
EXPLAINING Glasgow to Commonwealth Games visitors. Says Matt Vallance: "If someone asks you, 'What school did you go to?' they are not interested in your educational history."
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