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What a life

THE gentlemanly actor Richard Briers of The Good Life and Monarch of the Glen has sadly died.

The story is told that when comedian Ross Noble appeared on radio show Just A Minute, host Nicholas Parsons asked him who his favourite comedian was and Ross replied: "Richard Pryor", the edgy black American. He added: "What a life. Raised in a brothel, spells in jail, drink and drugs and psychological issues, nearly burned himself alive trying to freebase crack cocaine."

Later, with a look of great concern, Parsons was heard saying to another guest: "Have you heard about Richard Briers?"

Language barrier

ST ANDREWS University is often accused of not having enough native students. One of the Scottish students tells us: "I heard a posh English student tell his pal the problem with his new girlfriend was that she could only speak a few words of English. He then added, 'But on the plus side, Dundee girls are such great fun.'"

Barking up the wrong tree

A GLASGOW reader swears to us he was in his local corner shop when a chap came in with a dog on a lead and the shop owner told him: "Sorry. No dogs."

The chap merely replied: "I didn't think you would have any. It's actually a Mars Bar I'm looking for."

Mash it up

A SCOTS actor shows us a job offer for comedy actors to play potatoes in a television advertisement which explains: "Importantly they must be up for spending the majority of the shoot buried with their heads showing." Ah the glamour.

As our actor says: "Imagine meeting a fellow thespian who tells you, 'My last part was playing King Lear' and you reply, 'What a coincidence, my last part was playing a King Edward.'"

Bunkered

WEEKEND sunshine brought out golfers for the first time in months. An Ayrshire club member says a retired chap joined his club and told the professional his handicap was a respectable six, and his main difficulty was getting out of bunkers.

The pro said he could teach him some useful ways of improving his bunker play but the chap added: "No, son. I mean climbing oot the bunker after I've taken my shot."

Rain and hail but no shine

BOB Jarvie is currently doing survey work in Scotland, and as part of the report he had to complete a box on what the weather was like and choose from light showers, showers, heavy showers, light rain, heavy rain, light snow, heavy snow or hail."

Says Bob: "The programmer obviously visited Scotland on a bad day as there were no options for sunny."

Republic of Scotia

READER Frances Hanmer has returned from The Gambia, where she explained to a local she lived in Scotland.

Says Frances: "He asked me, 'Do you have a president or is it a colony of England?'

"I thought how Alex Salmond would love that."

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