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What a plonker?

ORDERING wine continued.

Says Tim Huntingford: "In a Campbeltown restaurant, I ordered a bottle of French red wine which was number 15 on the wine list. The waitress arrived with the bottle, but it was white and Italian. When I queried this, she explained that they hadn't any left of number 15, so she had brought number 16 instead.

"Too stunned to question this impeccable logic, we drank the white without complaint."

Card trick

ST VALENTINE'S Day yesterday, and a chap in Newton Mearns posted to his wife on Facebook: "Have a fantastic Valentine's day. This message comes courtesy of boughtacardandforgottopostit.com.

His predicament wasn't helped by a friend adding: "I think it's more likely to be forgottobuyacard.com."

Whys and wherefores

WE mentioned university exam questions, and Chic Duncan tells us that when he was studying philosophy at Glasgow University in the 1980s one exam question was simply "Why?"

It was claimed that the student who merely answered "Why not?" was given a pass mark.

Where's the beef?

NOW Glasgow Celtic have been dragged into the horse-meat scandal. Says Michele Newall in Wemyss Bay: "Celtic have released a statement, after their game against Juventus, confirming that their defence was pure mince."

Hat's the way to do it

OUR reader unsure of wearing a fur hat reminds John Daly of a manager at British Steel who announced that he had been given one of these "Russian-style furry hats for Christmas".

Says John: "New Year came and went, and someone asked him why we hadn't seen him with it on. He said, 'I feel a wee bit self-conscious about wearing it. So, I'm wearing it in the hoose until I get used to it'."

Bobby dazzler

AMERICAN Mark Oliver Everett is bringing his band Eels to Glasgow next month. He recently revealed that he had spent $6000 on spinal surgery for his hound dog Bobby Jr.

But like many a dog owner he believed the money was worth it. Said Mark: "It's not an extravagance when you consider all the videos he's been in, singing he's done, and all the t-shirts he's sold with his image on ithem. He's totally a working member of the family. He earned his surgery."

Light reaction

"MY young son," said the chap in the Glasgow pub, "pointed at my bald spot and said I looked like a lightbulb."

He added: "I was so angry, I was incandescent with rage,

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