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Words of wisdom

OUR tale of the old golfer worried about dying reminds a reader of the poster in the waiting room at the Queen Mum's maternity hospital in Glasgow.

He tells us: "It read, 'Have faith, the first few minutes of life are the most dangerous'.

"Someone had added the graffiti, 'The last few are no' too clever either.'"

Heading in wrong direction

DADS who think they're funny continued. A Milngavie teenager was asked by her parents what she would like for her 17th birthday, and she replied a tad hopefully: "Something I can drive."

"A golf ball doesn't cost much," replied her dad.

He wears it well

A WEST ender was chatting to the barman in a Byres Road bar while he waited for his pal to arrive. When his mate eventually made it, he told him, as he nodded towards the barman: "Alex here doesn't just pull pints, he's also a part-time comedian."

"That would explain your shirt then," said the late arrival to the barman, as every Glaswegian of course thinks he has the patter.

But the barman topped that with: "Yes. If I were a full-time comedian I'd have gone for a shirt like yours."

Purr-fect excuse

A RAIN-SOAKED Clarkston reader getting the bus into work yesterday heard the girl in front of him tell her pal: "I've discovered lots of features on my laptop that I never knew existed."

She then added: "Only because Tipsy my cat walked across the keyboard."

Back to work

TELEVISION news, and Tory MP Nadine Dorries became the first contender to be voted out of the Australian rainforest in television's I'm A Celebrity.

As one excited reader told us: "I voted the Tory out as a dress rehearsal for the General Election."

You don't say

READER Alan Kay tells us: "The North Berwick to Edinburgh train I was on was running six minutes late, but we were soon put at ease when a staff member came on the tannoy to apologise for the delay, and explain that it had been caused by, long pause, a delay."

Know the lingo

AUTHOR Jackie Kemp tells us: "My kids text the letter 'I' for aye – are there any other examples of Scots texting?"

Well, are there?

High esteem

OH how we laughed. A Bridge of Weir traveller contacts us to say he couldn't believe his eyes when renewing his passport. He continued: "It seems that those who can counter-sign an application can be 'a person of good standing in their community'.

"And among those loftily listed are journalists. Shome mistake shurely, as Private Eye always observes."

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