This very day, Monday October 26, in the year of Our Lord 2009, at a huge event in Fort Worth, Texas, the latest motivational sensation will explain to a breathless convention how to make good decisions, lots of money and a big reputation. The name of this wonder of the world? George W Bush. Oh my God. Yes, the stumbling folksy Messiah is about to appear back on the radar screen,

bearing a formula for personal success. Just when you thought it was safe to go out again.

The event at which the ex-president will be speaking is described online as a “motivational mega-show that packs more inspirational firepower than a stick of dynamite!” Right. Will they have some hideously crippled folk from Baghdad to testify about the effects of dynamite on one’s prospects for success? No, thought not. Dubya will be paid $100,000 for a 40-minute speech showing how you can get in touch with your inner eejit. Maybe he’ll use the money for supplies of OxiClean to get the blood off his hands.

But here’s something even crazier.

The Messiah has appeared at an Ikea store in Glasgow. No, not Dubya. Jesus Christ has shown up in a toilet at the Braehead store of the Swedish furniture giant. Embedded in the gents’ wooden toilet door at Braehead, a bearded face with long hair can be seen.

Flatpack Jesus has come among us. Oh goody. Spread the news.

One shopper is quoted as saying: “It takes you by surprise. It is really clear in the wood. I was only heading to the toilet and found God. It’s certainly not what you expect to find in an Ikea store.” Indeed not. If the image starts bleeding, the Braehead store will become a mega pilgrimage site. Thousands of punters will be able to get a toilet blessing from Jesus as well as a self-assembly wardrobe.

It seems that Jesus is appearing everywhere … even on the lid of a Marmite jar. What? Yes. In case you missed news of this incredible event, let me fill you in. In May of this year, Mrs Claire Allen, of Ystrad, Rhondda, bless her, had a breakfast epiphany. She saw the image, on the underside of the lid, as she was putting the yeast spread on her son’s toast. Mrs Allen added: “People might think I’m nuts, but I like to think it’s Jesus looking out for us.”

From the lid of a Marmite jar. Jings, crivvens and helpmaboab.

Five years ago, a woman who found an image of the Virgin Mary in her cheese toastie was £14,000 the richer after selling the sacred object on eBay. She was so sure it was the image of the Virgin on the toastie that she kept it in a plastic box above her bed to watch over her for 10 years. Yes, she’s been watched over by a cheese sandwich in a Tupperware box all that time. I find that deeply moving. Last I heard, it was supposed to go on tour. Yes, a world tour for a cheese sandwich. I’m sure devotees will be cured of their haemorrhoids and stuff like that.

You know, there’s a small problem here. Nobody, but nobody, has a clue what the Virgin Mary or Jesus looked like. The familiar images of a pale Mary clad in Italian robes are fantasies. So Our Lady of the Cheese Toastie might have borne a passing resemblance to a Renaissance painting of the Virgin, but that’s about it.

The study of Aquinas and Barth has given way to the raptured gazing upon a mouldy toastie. Jesus said if you really want to see his face, feed the poor and visit the prisoners.

Did I tell you about the Canadian who saw the face of Jesus in a burned fishcake? No, I can’t go on. I’m mildly hysterical already. Meanwhile, George W Bush is getting ready to walk on stage to talk about success.

Ron Ferguson will deliver the Edinburgh University Maitland Lecture (free admission) in the Martin Hall, New College, The Mound, on Thursday at 4pm. His subject is Transfigured by Ceremony: George Mackay Brown’s Religion.