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a cannier Europe

We're all awfy worried about the European Union budget.

Except maybe Eurocrats who are spending a lot of it on themselves.

David Cameron and Angela Merkel both want to freeze the budget. But I don't think there's a freezer big enough.

Most worrying is that chunks of the cash go missing. The European Court of Auditors reckons there is a 3.9% "error rate" which is a euphemism for the money being pockled. Nearly five billion euros annually ends up "resting" in dodgy accounts.

The Euro auditors, based in Luxembourg, are obviously not up to the job. The task should be moved to Glasgow and put in the hands of a team of hard-nosed Scottish accountants. The rest of the EU bureaucracy can be moved in good time from Brussels, Strasbourg and Luxembourg to Glasgow. The 40,000 workforce will be cut. But we may still have to convert that empty sausage factory in Broxburn for overspill.

The European Parliament needs sorted. There are 754 MEPs on nearly £100,000 a year plus £400 a day just for turning up. The US gets by with only 100 senators. Close both expensive parliaments in Brussels and Strasbourg and move the slimline legislature to a suitable under-used Victorian building in Glasgow.

There will be cutbacks on languages. It's time the EU went for just one. Spanish because quite a few people already know some from their holidays.

There will be problems initially as many EU officials will want to discuss subsidiarity and financial frameworks but will only be able to say dos cervezas por favor or vamos a ir de tapas (fancy some tapas?).

The EU spends a huge amount of money on limos to ferry about the politicians and top brass. About £5 million a year in Strasbourg where the Parliament stands empty about 300 days of the year. When Glasgow becomes Brussels, transport will be in the hands of local taxi drivers. They will not only deliver passengers to their destinations but on the way explain how they should be running Europe. In perfect Spanish, por seguro.

Half of the EU budget is spent on farmers, mostly French. This will change when Lidl is put in charge of the Common Agriculture Policy. Europe's finest foods will be available at bargain prices at a store near you.

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