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a dog's life

A list has been compiled of things a dog should do before it dies.

It includes such delights as: go mad in the snow; dig up a flower bed; and roll around in a really stinky, muddy puddle. These seem pretty routine canine pursuits.

Learn to skateboard, star in a YouTube video and sleep in a boutique dog hotel are a bit different. Inevitably some options are missing from the list. Such as:

Bite an obedience trainer in the bum.

Don't just go to the pub, join the darts team.

Make a pot of soup from a favourite bone.

Take owner out on a lead. Tie owner to a lamp post when popping in to buy The Herald.

Stop in park to throw a stick for owner to fetch.

Campaign for canine enfranchisement for the 2014 referendum. Vote Yes.

Learn to use human loo while reading The Herald.

Show concern for family budget by chewing old shoes not the wean's expensive new Clarks sandals.

To hell with poverty, insist on a diamante collar from Harrod's.

Get adopted by a butcher.

Throw a bucket of water over owners as they have conjugal encounters. Have the male owner neutered.

Make friends with the postie.

Visit at least six neighbours each morning for breakfast.

Take an evening class in philosophy and impress the dogs down the park with knowledge of Camus and Descartes.

Enrol owners in Exit and see how they like the concept of being put down.

Make a guest appearance in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Permit humans to sit on sofa.

Give owners a bath once a fortnight whether they need it or not.

Don't eat dog biscuits. Have a HobNob or maybe a Kit-Kat.

Refuse to answer to stereotypical names such as Rover, Spot, or Major.

Pass round mini-Bonios as nibbles at owners' cocktail party.

Run on to the park at a Scotland game at Hampden to cheer up the Tartan Army. They need it.

Try cannibalism. Have chihuahua as tapas.

Teach owner to sit up and beg if they want slippers fetched.

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