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baktun the future

So, no apocalypse then.

The world goes on and, what is more, with the arrival of the Mayan 14th baktun we have entered an exciting new era.

Spiritual leader Alberto Arribalzaga said: "The galactic bridge has been established. The cosmos is going to take us to a higher level of vibration... where humanity is in glory, in joy."

So how have the vibrations, the glory and the joy of the new Mayan era been so far? Difficult to say because I have been so busy. I had everything in order for the world to end yesterday now I'm pretty much starting from scratch. Having to uncancel the milk and newspapers. Rush out and get all the Christmas presents I didn't think I would have to buy thanks to the end of the world.

But first I have a meeting with the bank manager. He wants me to explain the tsunami of spending in the last week which has wiped out my current account, maxed the credit cards, and even done in the ISA.

Worst still, it looks like I'll need to pay back that loan from Wonga at 400% interest. And that substantial debt in the tick book at the pub for all those large rounds of drink the night before the world did not end.

My boss wants to have a word. He is wondering, and I quote: "When will you be in the office to extricate your job from the place you suggested I I should stick it during those interesting final days of the Mayan 13th baktun?"

Remind me to send a big bunch of flowers to the mother-in-law. I should never have said those things, not even on the eve of destruction.

More important, what's the weather going to be like in the new era of vibration, glory and joy? The long-range forecast for Scotland for the 394 years of the 14th baktun is mainly grey skies and steady downpours of rain with extensive flooding and some volcanic activity in the coal bing zone of West Lothian.

How about the economic climate? There will be no public spending deficit when the benefit claimant race is finally driven into extinction.

Will Scotland qualify for a world cup final? Not this time round, but the SFA have high hopes for success some time in the 15th baktun.

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