bon voyage, Major Tom

Columnist

Thursday 12 July 2012

Virgin Galactic announces the departure some time next year of its first holiday trip to outer space.

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Tom Shields on …

Before you go, look at this check list:

Have you turned the gas off? Are you sure the cat can rip the foil tops off those packets of Sheba minced chicken with truffle? Do you really trust Richard Branson to get you into orbit and back safely? Remember the time Virgin Trains left you stranded in Preston for absolute ages?

OK, then, a few other points:Got your S111? That's like the E111 for going to Magaluf but it covers outer space as well.Did you pack the puncture kit for your space suit? Is your phaser on stun? Is your mobile phone enabled for inter-galactic roaming? Did you get your anti-Kryptonite injections?Also, are you feeling secure about your anus? Not the planet. We're talking about take-off. You will be sitting in a metal container on top of a rocket with a huge load of explosive combustible material. Then you will be subjected to three times the force of gravity. We recommend you take a couple of Immodium and a paracetamol before you go.You do realise the Virgin Galactic trip lasts only two hours and costs £130,000? You will experience weightlessness but so will your wallet.Why not wait until Ryanair get into space travel? Fares start at only £10. That's for the outward journey. Coming back starts at £10,000. Remember Ryanair is a point-to-point airline so return flights are not guaranteed.Space suits, oxygen and astronaut snack packs with a can of cola, a Twix bar, Dairylea, and some wee biscuits are available for purchase. Buy a scratch card and you may win a trip to the Moon.Please note that the spaceport where your Ryanair outward flight lands may be in a different solar system from your actual destination. Return space flights, when available, will land at an airport in the Gobi desert. There will be connecting buses to most major world cities.Experienced tourists may wait until cruise companies offer the chance to boldly go on multi-planet voyages. Just remember it is a 35 million-light-years journey to Mars. Then after an overnight you are on your way to Saturn.Remember to pack a tuxedo if you want to dine at Captain Kirk's table.

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bon voyage, Major Tom

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