The clamour for Olympic gold has reached fever pitch across the nation.
That is according to a tabloid which pleaded: "Can we have just one gold. Any sport. We're not bothered. As soon as possible." The BBC, in between hysterical celebration of two silver and two bronze, resorted to showing highlights of England winning the World Cup football in 1966.
Me, I've been checking with sundry bookies for odds of at least 1000-1 for Britain not to win a single gold. I am not being disloyal. It's just that I am enjoying the media panic. And when I place my bet the medals will roll in. Probably as soon as I've finished writing this. Meanwhile, the best offer is 4-1 for Team GB netting 10 golds or fewer. The problem with Britain's lack of success, apparently, is that unlike gold-laden China we don't torture or brutalise our young athletes enough. So let's put that right.
Swimmers should be fitted with webbed feet at an early age. Performance-enhancing drugs fed via mother's milk. Weans told to eat up their steroid sweeties.
They will have to be taken away as infants to gruelling training camps and put through punishing exercise regimes to toughen them up. Start off with hours at a time toddling on treadmills. Then off to work out at altitude running up Ben Nevis. Pulling heavy loads behind them, of course.
Discipline will be strict. A whole new meaning when a five-year-old is told he's for the high jump.
Such a tough regime may be the only way to put Scottish football back on the map. Promising players made to stay out on the streets until midnight kicking a ball about. Under the watchful eye of the police making sure the stars of the future stay outside playing heidies and three-and-in instead of heading home to play Fifa Football 13 on the computer.
Our lack of sporting prowess stems from the nursery schools where there is too little emphasis on weights training. It should be at least 20 chin-ups before the children are allowed an afternoon nap. At least that is what I understand from the British media yesterday. It could be that the Chinese et al are simply better athletes and train harder.
Never mind. London 2012 may be lacking in British golden memories but we will always have that impressive opening ceremony.
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