Bin tryin, bruv, to keep up with modern speak and found these definitions.
Chillax: hide a hatchet in a freezer and then take it down Sauchiehall Street on a Friday night to attack a passer-by for no apparent reason.
Multimedia: noise in a room where a young person has the television and radio on full blast while talking on the phone and chatting to friends on Facebook as you are sitting quietly trying to do the crossword.
Googling: paperless method of reading newspapers through which most of the advertising revenue goes to a company which does not produce any of the content but makes vast profits while journalists don't have money to buy their children shoes.
Blog: an article for which the author receives little or no money but which does not take long to write because there is no need to check facts.
Like: the button you press on Facebook even if the message concerns a bereavement or other really sad news.
He is not in a good place: He is stuck in a traffic jam in London but is afraid to use the empty Olympic lane in case the police arrest him.
Arab spring: popular expression of democratic fervour which leads to removal of tyrant (not necessarily in a Middle Eastern country, it could be a bowling club) which is followed by chaos and takeover by new despot.
Whatever: statement by teenager which does not imply any acceptance of liability, compliance, enthusiasm, or remote sign of interest.
Chav: president of Venezuela.
Neet: person not in employment, education or training who cannot spell the synonym for tidy.
One of my bitches: girl in fourth year who has just received a note from boy three desks away asking if she'd like to be his numba 1 ho.
And some old favourites:
Damp squid: Dish in a Glasgow tapas bar where the chef did not dry the calamari rings after rinsing and then cooked them in oil at too low a temperature failing to achieve a crispy yet yielding texture.
One foul swoop: seagull targets your vehicle just as you exit the car wash.
It's not rocket science: comment by seven-year-old to elderly relative who has same model of mobile phone but does not know how to switch it on.
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