damned statistics

Columnist

Monday 3 September 2012

The latest Scottish Household Survey gives a snapshot of how our lives have changed in just one year.

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Tom Shields

The answers to quite a lot of mundane questions reveal such interesting detail as: the number of people using the internet on the move via phones and iPads has doubled to 14%. Not disclosed is the number of people no longer talking to each because of addiction to electronic gadgets.

Here are one or two genuine statistics from the official survey mixed up with stuff we have made up:l 17% have spent their wages up until the year 2025 thanks to pay day loans.l 30% of families say they could not manage child care without the help of grandparents. 20% of grandpas have moved house without leaving a forwarding address.l 0.7% say they are homosexual. A further 7% help out at weekends.l 13% have completely given up alcohol. The other 87% say "Go on, have a drink."l 2% have tried car-sharing. 10% regularly practise car-sharing without the owner's consent.l Wearing of tweed bunnets has declined 43% in the over-60s age group but increased 75% among 18-25 year olds. 80% of the young people wear the skip to the back.l 75% of adults say their health is good or very good apart from the bad leg that qualifies them for disability allowance.l Fewer than 1% of Scots speak Gaelic. A further 4% say they might do but they are not sure.l 11% of Edinburgh residents say they "are not in a good place" and would like to flit to a house in Leith.l 18% of schoolchildren have flat heads and no teeth due to being given sweets and patted on the cranium by guidance teachers.l 65% of households have more than five remote controls, three of which are lost down the sofa at any given time. l 43% of residents in Kilwinning are often unsure whether it is Hogmanay or Hallowe'en.l 28% of husbands do not speak until spoken to. 37% do not speak even if spoken to.l 100% of football fans say the referee should have gone to Specsavers.l 98% of respondents to surveys make the answers up as they go along.

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damned statistics

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