The Department of Festive Affairs has warned that midwinter celebrations as we know them in Britain are no longer sustainable.

The DFA (a Government organisation which sadly exists only in the fevered confines of this column) says the traditional Christmas and New Year festivals have descended into a month-long binge which is damaging our wealth, health, and mental stability.

In addition to the cost to the economy, there is the human tragedy of stressed shoppers who go seeking a last-minute gift never to return. At New Year in Scotland, tall dark males are cast out of the family abode just before midnight and go missing. Occasionally, they leave a note saying they had managed to cope with all the mince pies and Christmas pudding but could not face up to the black bun and shortbread.

Whitehall initially suggested that New Year be axed since "it's mostly a bunch of Jocks getting drunk and they might not notice anyway". This plan was vetoed by David Cameron because killing off Hogmanay would give leverage to Alex Salmond's independence campaign.

Plan B was the radical idea that Christmas be downsized and regarded as a purely religious event. This was opposed by the Church of England as it would adversely affect revenues from the shopping malls and other commercial properties they own across the country.

A compromise has been reached. From now on, the 12 days of Christmas and all the lost days of Ne'erday are to be rationalised and moved into a one-off, three-day event called Chrismanay, beginning on December 31. It will be a hectic schedule as revellers go straight from their Christmas Eve party into celebrating the bells since it is also Hogmanay. They will have to stay up most of the night partying before facing the double Christmas/ Ne'erday schedule.

The turkey dinner will be a considerable challenge after the midnight steak pie. Scots may be considered mean for giving a lump of coal as a present.

The giving of Christmas gifts on January 1, says the DFA, is historically apt since it is closer to the actual timescale of the arrival of the Magi at the stable in Bethlehem.

Some cultural differences are still to be resolved but it is thought that Jackie Bird and the Archbishop of Canterbury will jointly host the Hogmanay/ Watch Night Service.