The poverty-stricken country of Niger has imposed a tax on mobile phones to fund its national team's participation in the African Cup football competition.
This is an idea which Scotland could usefully copy. Frankly, any initiative which gets Scotland involved in international football finals is worth considering.
Maybe we should opt for independence within Africa instead of Europe. The Tartan Army can sing: "Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, we're going to Equatorial Guinea."
Michael Marra has already explored this concept with a marvellous song which goes: "If Dundee was Africa and Fife was Antarctica, Aberdeen would be deep beneath the Mediterranean sea, and everybody would agree that's no' a bad place for Aberdeen to be."
Fifa would not allow us into the African nations cup, of course, but I think there is a case for a tax on mobile phones. They are anti-social devices.
The Niger government has put a temporary surcharge of 1p on each call. As a developed nation, Scotland could easily charge 10p a time and 5p for a text. There would be hefty spot fines on people caught using the mobile for purposes other than phoning for a taxi or calling home to find out what's for tea.
Anyone who spoils a perfectly good debate in the pub by using a smart phone to Google the answer to whatever the argument is about will have the expensive electronic device impounded and sold to raise funds for Scotland's attempts to qualify for a football tournament. Given the parlous state of our national team, the revenue from a mobile phone tax may not be enough. There may have to be a levy on bevvy. Lager and fitba gang thegither as Rabbie Burns nearly said.
And why not a tariff on tattie crisps except the plain, salt and vinegar, or cheese and onion varieties? With a swingeing supertax on Cheesy Wotsits and Scampi Fries.
There will be a special income tax rate of 60p in the pound for anyone wearing a Scotland top whilst having a body mass index of more than 30 and qualifying as obese.
There will be a dispensation for those of us who are big- boned or have problems with metabolism.
Please do not phone or text with other tax proposals.
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