HERE is a list of resignations expected this week in the hacking scandal.
Mystic Meg, News International astrologer and psychic, admits she should have known the scale of the problem and warned the Murdoch family. Has no idea what she’ll be doing in her retirement.
James Murdoch relinquishes all posts at News Corp and returns to the family roots in Australia. Beginning with a long cruise on a prison ship to Botany Bay.
Nick Clegg resigns on David Cameron’s behalf. Clegg says: “It happened on my watch.” Thought to be a reference to the Mickey Mouse timepiece he got from Cameron last Christmas. Wants to spend time in a hermit cell wearing sackcloth and ashes as penance for what he has done to the Liberal Democrat Party.
Boris Johnson demits office as mayor of London citing his dereliction of duty in regard to the Metropolitan Police. Says he is training hard to qualify for the British whiff-whaff team in the 2012 Olympics. Plans to spend more time with that tasty brunette up the road while her husband’s at work, allegedly.
Kanvar Naan, owner of a corner shop in Maryhill, announces early retiral and begs forgiveness for all the copies of the News of the World he sold. Will devote time and money to counselling Partick Thistle fans.
Theresa May, Home Secretary, quits,saying she did nothing wrong but wants to spend more time with her shoes.
Luigi Barolo, head waiter at the Trattoria Mangiatoia Suini (translate it yourself online) in London, admits overhearing discussions about phone hacking and illegal payments by journalists, politicians and police lunching at his restaurant but didn‘t blow the whistle. Going back to Italy where corruption is done with a bit more style.
Among resignations not expected this or any week: Tony Blair declares he will abandon any pretence at being a statesman. Will spend more time preparing his defence for hearings at the International War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague.
Gordon Brown apologises for bringing the good name of Kirkcaldy into disrepute. Promises to spend even less time at Westminster.
Rupert Murdoch admits he’s getting on a bit. Takes over Saga magazine and relaunches as Daily Saga. It’s grab-a-granny on Page 3.
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