You may have heard Willie Nelson's sad love song Always on My Mind.

You may not be familiar with a less romantic version which goes: You were always on my to-do list -

Comedian Jeremy Hardy came up with that line on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. It inspires us to create a Valentine's Day song list for the person who has to make some kind of effort but whose heart is not really in it.

The sort of person who would serenade the beloved with Bryan Adams's enduring anthem: Quite a lot of what I do, I do it for you.

Other lyrics for a lackadaisical Lothario:

Have I told you lately that I've left you.

I just called to say I love you. I just called to say that I forgot I'm playing five-a-sides tonight but don't worry, I've cancelled the restaurant reservation.

My funny Valentine. No, really, you do look hilarious with that new hairstyle.

You don't have to say you love me, just get your purse out and buy me a large glass of the house red.

Tonight I celebrate my love for you. Tomorrow I will be sullen and uncommunicative as usual.

Every breath you take could be your last if you don't shut up moaning.

I've lost that lovin' feelin' since you hit me with your handbag.

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Half the house, my pension, the IKEA furniture I bought before you moved in.

I would walk 500 miles just to be the guy who walked 500 miles to get a bit of personal space.

First time ever I saw your face, I must have been out my face.

Away and jump off the bridge over troubled water.

A stalker may chant You'll Never Walk Alone or Every Step You Take I'll Be Watching You.

An over-enthusiastic Romeo may sing: Stuck on you till the end of time, or until the waiter brings a bucket of cold water.

Finally, if you haven't booked a Valentine's dinner, don't worry. Just set up a table close to the toilet door at home. Cook an average dinner and drink a bottle of nasty cheap wine. You will have saved yourself nearly £100.