THE Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow, has spent £37,000 of your money and mine having his portrait done and getting himself a coat of arms.
This will bring great joy to the workers who face further pay cuts because the last lot of austerity measures did nothing to solve the economic problems caused by dodgy bankers.
On Bercow's coat of arms there is a ladder. Not because he is famously totie. The ladder is for pulling up behind him. The working class can kiss his posterior, he's got the Speaker's job at last.
If we are going to waste money on armorial bearings, let's get one for our First Minister. There already is a Salmond family crest. You will not be surprised to hear that it features three salmon. There is also a disembodied arm chucking a spear.
Eck should have his own coat of arms. Instead of the three fish, it would be a bhoona lamb, given his predilection for a curry or two. Spear-chucking is too reminiscent of restless natives. The Salmond escutcheon would have a William Wallace broadsword.
I would award a coat of arms to former MSP and Scottish minister Frank McAveety. Not for his long service to politics, just that it would be nice to see a heraldic design based on a pie and a dusky maiden.
Former Tory leader David McLetchie would have a black cab and the motto for which he will be remembered: "Taxi for McLetchie." Sorry, Henry McLeish, but it is hard to envisage a coat of arms based on a badly filled-in expense sheet.
If there are coats of arms going gratis, I'll have one as well. It will be a white shield with hoops verdant, a knife and fork with a corkscrew rampant and a potato couchant.
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